National Nitwit

Guest editorial by
Frankie Bonnano,
mail misappropriation consultant

There used to be a tie not so very long ago when the fruits of the U.S. Postal Service were ripe for the picking, and a guy could make a quick buck rifling through random envelopes. Why, I remember when an hour's worth of work might net someone like me a cool $500 or more picking through birthday cards and the like.

Not any more, pal.

The rise of this ecommerce horseshit - especially those thieving bastards collectively known as "PayPal" - have completely destroyed the mailbox theft industry, and thrown thousands of hardworking people like me out of gainful employment.

Here's an example: the first of the month used to be a fucking goldmine for Social Security checks, welfare payments, and disability dough. Nowadays, every idiot gets that shit wired into their bank account, and all that's left for mailbox raiders is a statement of deposit.

Even the stupidest check cashing clerk knows that these are worthless.

Left: No longer easy pickings

Or how about the days when an enterprising guy with a car and a heavy-duty chain could jerk the corner mailbox off its moorings? I remember when me and my buddy Paulie snatched one and cleared over two grand out of that one box, loaded as it was with cash-carrying letters from some garden club to an orphanage.

Now THAT was some sweet reward, fella.

So all I got to say to PayPal is this: better watch your back, assholes. There's a lot of angry mailbox divers who would love to take a poke at the Internet geeks who took their jobs.

Labels: mailbox theft, PayPal