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6/12/2008

Opinion: Monotheism Is For The Birds

By Mitch Carlyle, Corporate Shill

Carlyle: Jesus Is Just Alright, But So Are Vishnu and Buddha


Would you rather have one dollar or a hundred dollars? Would you rather own one car, or one for every day of the week? And would you rather meet one hottie grinding her ass at the club, or an entire bar full of bawdy, drunk-ass secretaries craving your sausage?

The simple truth is that more is better, even when it applies to religion, and that’s why monotheism is for the birds.

Now I know this sounds like blasphemy to some of you who come from Judeo-Christian backgrounds, so just hear me out. Let’s say your kid has cancer of the everything, and the doctors give ‘em about twelve minutes to live. Are you honestly gonna sit there and watch your kid die because Jesus is on his lunch break, or are you gonna man-up and direct that fucking prayer to Athena, Osiris, and every other fate-bender perched in the clouds?

See, I trade stock for a living, and the market—just like religion—is a fickle mystery. Some days its up, some days its down, but the trick to success is diversifying your investments wisely. In layman’s terms, this means don’t put all your fucking eggs in one basket. So why should prayer be any different? What if the Virgin Mary is playing an intense game of Battleship with Odin, and they don’t check their email until after you’ve had that really important interview? You’d be fucked, that’s what, all because of your supposed “faith.”

In conclusion, monotheism is an archaic notion. The sooner we all use my shotgun approach to prayer, the more shit will go in our favor.

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