National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Gloucester Tramps: Too Cool for Condoms, Too Young to Vote

(Boston, MA)—In a stirring series of events, a recent investigation at Gloucester High School in rural Massachusetts has uncovered a pregnancy pact among eighteen or more girls, none older than 16.

While the nation reels from this disturbing revelation, for many social critics it merely confirms the idiocy of the American teen populous and its myopic, lemming-like approach to major life decisions.

“What strange fucking series of events led these girls to all breed before they even finished 10th grade geometry?” bemoaned Christina Wakovski, a guidance counselor in the Boston suburbs. “I mean, was the mall closed? Did mommy and daddy confiscate their cellies or deny them all new ringtones? I know it’s an old cliché to lament children having children, but Christ, these girls might go into labor on a goddamn school bus!”

Richard Walker, a history teacher at Gloucester High, offered a more reflective commentary on his students’ whoring and eagerness to reproduce.

“Many of these girls come from wealthy families, and with graduation only a year away, it’s not as bad as it may seem,” Walker reflected. “That is, of course, with the exception of Tina Sanchez, who’s dumber than a purebred bulldog slurping antifreeze. Poor girl probably thought her boyfriend’s dick was a rocket ship full of yogurt. I’ll consider it a victory if she can complete the state welfare forms without misspelling her own name.”

Labels: pregnant teens pact