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Planet’s Last X-Files Fan Says Film “Made Just For Me”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Wochawski, Seen Here with Teddy Bear “Mulder”

(Washington, D.C.)—Since the X-Files craze of the mid-1990s peaked and receded, science fiction dorks have enjoyed a bevy of newer, yet equally lame fads: Battlestar Galactica, a trilogy of disheartening Star Wars prequels, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

But Sam Wochawski has kept the faith, and as the self-proclaimed “last die-hard X-Files maniac” on earth, he feels this new film was made solely for his viewing pleasure.

“It’s been a tough few years, I can tell you that much,” Wochawski explained while touring his spare bedroom rife with quirky X-Files action figures and lunch boxes. “One time I got the shit kicked out of me in a local laundromat for wearing my “Scully’s Fire Crotch” t-shirt. I tried to explain it was the name of a punk band, but those ladies were fucking vicious—I lost two teeth. Plus, the comments on my MySpace page have gotten so vicious that I’ve considered going into therapy.”

All this has changed, however, since the second big-screen incarnation of the X-Files has given Wochawski’s dismal fandom renewed validity.

“Let’s see those middle school kids egg my Caprice now that every theater in America is rocking the ‘Files,” Wochawski boasted. Sure, I was a little disappointed that the only other attendee on opening night was a nun—and come to think of it, she looked kinda drunk—but I was there, boy, relishing every second of it as the last true keeper of the flame. That was a religious metaphor, by the way.”


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