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9/12/2008

Go Fuck Yourself, Nate Burleson

A National Nitwit Fantasy Football Editorial
By Jimmy Kurtz


Burleson: Went and Injured Himself Like a Dumbass


As a long-time fantasy football player, I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve. Stay away from flashy thugs, know what young quarterback is on the verge of a breakout season, and never pick a kicker until the final rounds.

This year was going to be a good one, too, as I was able to snag Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Nate Burleson as my top wide out, what with those great hands of his and his insatiable appetite for touchdowns. Well, it seems ol’ Nate decided to go and tear the ACL in his left knee, ending his entire season before it even began.

So go fuck yourself, Nate Burleson, and the horse you rode in on.

Don’t you know that thousands of fantasy players are depending on you? What kind of shitty off-season regimen did you undertake? Did you waste the whole summer eating Fritos and getting blown by Seattle whores all decked out in flannel and stoned on coke?

Hating Burleson Is a Family Affair for Kurtz

Thanks a lot for nothing, shitbag. I hope you get fucked by a giant cock made of razor wire. I pray you get fucked by a gorilla stinking of wild berries and jungle moss. I implore the heavens to send a horde of horny angels from some angel jail to fuck your dumb non-football playing ass with dick-shaped harps that play Bach while you sob and thrash.

And after all that’s over, let me know what free agent I should sign, will ya? ‘Cause my fantasy team is looking pretty rough.

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