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10/07/2008

Congress Proposes Car Wash Initiative to Salvage Economy

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Congress: Washing the Grime of Debt Away


(Washington, D.C.)—After a week of intense negotiations and failed bi-partisan dealings, Congress seems to have struck upon an ingenious and comprehensive solution to our nation’s substantial economic woes: they plan to hold a car wash on the steps of the Capitol.

“This is the sort of innovative thinking that has been missing from government for years, and frankly, it’s about time us elected officials rolled up our sleeves,” explained Congressman Barney Franks (D-MA) while filling a bucket of suds in the men’s room. “In a few short hours, the legislators of this great nation will roll up their sleeves, dunk their sponges, and scrub our way out of this paramount crisis. That is, of course, with the exception of Nancy Pelosi—her only job is to wear a bikini and occasionally squeal when I squirt her with the hose.”

While such an endeavor seems an impossibly naïve solution to combat billions of dollars in “toxic debt” and restore international faith in the American banking establishment, most officials remain doggedly optimistic about this plan’s potential success.

“You know, my daughter’s marching band raised $573 last summer for new tubas through a car wash,” boasted Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN). “So if we request a modest donation of $10 million per driver, we should be in the black by Halloween. Besides, the alternatives are just dismal— President Bush’s bailout would be an utter failure, and John Kerry’s bake sale idea was just plain stupid. Man, I hate those Yale bastards.”

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