.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


The Undecided Voter: America’s Mighty Dumbass

An Exclusive National Nitwit Election Investigation

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Enie, Meenie, Miny, Moe…

(Washington, D.C.) With only two short weeks until Election Day, Americans from every part of the political spectrum are anxiously awaiting the appointed hour when they can hit the polls and have their voice be heard.

That is with the exception of undecided voters, who, after one of the longest and most divisive presidential contests in U.S. history, still have no fucking clue which candidate suits them best.

“I just…you know…this is just like…really hard,” explained Sara Baxter, 32, a junior bank executive and mother of two in the D.C. suburbs. “I mean, the economy is really important, and Obama has a plan to fix it, but McCain has a plan, too. And so…you can see the pickle I’m in, right?”

And while many news agencies have done their best to educate the lowest common denominator in our democracy, dedicating endless hours of airtime to round-table discussions with undecided voters in crucial swing states such as Ohio, Michigan, Virginia, and Pennsylvania, many political scientists are growing weary of this excessive pandering.

“How does any adult with an I.Q. over twelve not know where they stand on the war, education, healthcare, and the best way to fix our tanking economy,” bemoaned Dr. Steven Kiplinger, Assistant Professor of Political Science at George Mason University. “I mean, I much rather someone strongly disagree with my personal views and pull the lever for the other guy than whine like a little bitch right up to the eleventh hour. When did Obama and McCain announce their candidacies? 2006, was it? Have these fucking soccer moms and college freshmen been living under one big rock for the past 18 months? Now I’ve gone and got all worked up again—excuse me while I fetch my friend Johnny Walker. He always calms me down.”


Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?