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10/17/2008

The Undecided Voter: America’s Mighty Dumbass

An Exclusive National Nitwit Election Investigation

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Enie, Meenie, Miny, Moe…


(Washington, D.C.) With only two short weeks until Election Day, Americans from every part of the political spectrum are anxiously awaiting the appointed hour when they can hit the polls and have their voice be heard.

That is with the exception of undecided voters, who, after one of the longest and most divisive presidential contests in U.S. history, still have no fucking clue which candidate suits them best.

“I just…you know…this is just like…really hard,” explained Sara Baxter, 32, a junior bank executive and mother of two in the D.C. suburbs. “I mean, the economy is really important, and Obama has a plan to fix it, but McCain has a plan, too. And so…you can see the pickle I’m in, right?”

And while many news agencies have done their best to educate the lowest common denominator in our democracy, dedicating endless hours of airtime to round-table discussions with undecided voters in crucial swing states such as Ohio, Michigan, Virginia, and Pennsylvania, many political scientists are growing weary of this excessive pandering.

“How does any adult with an I.Q. over twelve not know where they stand on the war, education, healthcare, and the best way to fix our tanking economy,” bemoaned Dr. Steven Kiplinger, Assistant Professor of Political Science at George Mason University. “I mean, I much rather someone strongly disagree with my personal views and pull the lever for the other guy than whine like a little bitch right up to the eleventh hour. When did Obama and McCain announce their candidacies? 2006, was it? Have these fucking soccer moms and college freshmen been living under one big rock for the past 18 months? Now I’ve gone and got all worked up again—excuse me while I fetch my friend Johnny Walker. He always calms me down.”

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