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11/01/2008

Hollister Dude Bravely Endures Cancer Caused by Store Fragrance

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Pulcher: Fighting Cancer Dockside in His $150 Pre-torn Jeans


(Annapolis, MD)—Annapolis is one of America’s last vestiges of colonial architecture whose burgeoning middle class remains stoic and fashion-conscious despite our nation’s economic tail-spin.

And on any given day, you can Frank Pulcher there at Annapolis’s lone Hollister retailer in the downtown mall, bravely folding hoodies and battling the rampant lung cancer caused by his employer’s ridiculously overpowering store fragrance.

“You know, a lot of folks in my family say I should sue this place—after all, you can smell the bitter perfume all the way down at KB Toys around the corner,” Pulcher explained in between fits of painful coughing. “But I believe too much in this brand to let a simple thing like upper respiratory failure get my way.”

Pulcher continued to express his passion for helping customers locate the perfect cork sandals, polo shirts, and corduroy slacks, which he noted “were total must-haves for any gentleman during this fall season.”

“Getting cancer really has a way of changing your outlook on life,” Pulcher reflected as he popped the collars on a row of heavily wrinkled Oxford button-downs. “Sure, I could quit and get chemo or whatever, but what happens when some college bro needs a new half-zip fleece for an Octoberfest BBQ, and only has $179 to spend? There’s only one sales associate in this store up for that challenge: me. So maybe I’ll die tomorrow, or maybe I’ll die next year, but with God as my witness, I’ll continue to help dress this great city, one douche bag at a time.”

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