.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Hollister Dude Bravely Endures Cancer Caused by Store Fragrance

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Pulcher: Fighting Cancer Dockside in His $150 Pre-torn Jeans

(Annapolis, MD)—Annapolis is one of America’s last vestiges of colonial architecture whose burgeoning middle class remains stoic and fashion-conscious despite our nation’s economic tail-spin.

And on any given day, you can Frank Pulcher there at Annapolis’s lone Hollister retailer in the downtown mall, bravely folding hoodies and battling the rampant lung cancer caused by his employer’s ridiculously overpowering store fragrance.

“You know, a lot of folks in my family say I should sue this place—after all, you can smell the bitter perfume all the way down at KB Toys around the corner,” Pulcher explained in between fits of painful coughing. “But I believe too much in this brand to let a simple thing like upper respiratory failure get my way.”

Pulcher continued to express his passion for helping customers locate the perfect cork sandals, polo shirts, and corduroy slacks, which he noted “were total must-haves for any gentleman during this fall season.”

“Getting cancer really has a way of changing your outlook on life,” Pulcher reflected as he popped the collars on a row of heavily wrinkled Oxford button-downs. “Sure, I could quit and get chemo or whatever, but what happens when some college bro needs a new half-zip fleece for an Octoberfest BBQ, and only has $179 to spend? There’s only one sales associate in this store up for that challenge: me. So maybe I’ll die tomorrow, or maybe I’ll die next year, but with God as my witness, I’ll continue to help dress this great city, one douche bag at a time.”

Labels: ,

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?