National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Guest Editorial
By Nancy McMullen, Baltimore Housewife

Sorry, Tyler: No Hess Truck from Mommy this Year

Every year’s the same: I scrimp and save starting in January, and try to stretch every penny for my holiday fund while Carl and the kids blow their spare cash on pizza night and X-Box. And every year I try to get everyone the perfect gift—or in the case of the kids, several perfect gifts—and just as quickly as the wrapping paper flies off, and they mutter “awesome, thanks mom,” they’ve already moved on to the next present.

So fuck it. This year, everyone’s getting gift cards, even if it ruins our precious family traditions.

I’ve always believed that gift cards were best reserved for co-workers and distant relations; the sort of people you know well enough to guess where they shop, but not well enough to take a gamble and buy junk they already have. Take my brother-in-law Marcus, for example. He’s lived in Tampa for the past six years, and only calls around birthdays and holidays. I know the guy is a huge movie buff, but how the hell should I know if he’s already got The Bourne Ultimatum or not? Boom--$50 gift card for Best Buy, and I’m on to the next name on my list.

Well, that’s how I used to feel. But not any more. Last year, I spent close to $1200 on the kids, and what did they get me? They pooled their lavish allowances for a free facial at the local beauty parlor. That’s it. No new slippers, no John Grisham novel. And don’t even get me started on Carl…I have so many $99 diamond pendants that my jewelry box is stuffed tighter than a Thanksgiving turkey.

So fuck Carl, fuck the kids, and fuck you if you think I’m wasting another holiday season driving to the mall everyday after work like some goddamn slave. This year I’m buying a shoebox full of gift cards, so maybe the McMullens can get off their lazy asses and do their own shopping for once.

Labels: Christmas, gift cards, Shopping

Left: Employees cleaning up after the tragedy

(Terre Haute, IN) An accident involving three shopping carts left four people injured at an Indiana Kroger supermarket.

Police say a drunk shopper careened into the opposite lane of the cereal aisle in a bid to overtake a cart ahead of it when he collided head-on with two oncoming carts, witnesses said.

33-year-old Martin Llewelyn was arrested in the store by Terre Haute police after injuring four other patrons. All are in stable condition at area hospitals.

“He never did stop at the intersection, not at all," said one witness of the inebriated shopper. "He just flew through the aisle, maybe fifteen, twenty miles an hour. If he just pushed the cart slow they wouldn’t have gotten any of those injuries any at all."

Police charged Llewelyn with two counts of aggravated assault, one count of driving on a suspended license, a DUI, and one count of leaving the scene of an accident.

"The defendant had a blood alcohol level of .22, which is almost triple the legal limit," said a police spokesperson. "He's lucky he didn't kill anybody as he weaved through the deli and produce sections."

Left: Police leading away the drunk Llewelyn

One witness told police at the scene that he had to swerve out of Llewelyn's way because he was standing on the cart "like a surfboard," and another witness told police there that the drunk shopper was so far over on the wrong side of the aisle he was knocking canned goods off the shelf.

"Scared me half to death - one minute I'm looking at my coupons, and the next this wild-eyed lunatic is roaring past me in the paper goods aisle," said 72-year-old Marian Piasecki. "Drunk shoppers think they can drink and drive carts with impunity because of lenient sentences - I hope they throw the book at this idiot."

Labels: Kroger, Shopping, Terre Haute