National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

One of many new road signs now in Baghdad

(Washington, D.C.)—In a speech marked by its somber tones, cautious diction, and complete absence of cowboy flair, President Bush made a startling proclamation last evening during his first State of the Union address before a Democratic Congress: Mr. Bush rechristened war-torn Iraq as “Funkytown,” and promised that an international coalition would make it a disco wonderland by 2009.

Bush outlined his new strategy with some of his most fanciful rhetoric to date.

“I am aware how the American people grow weary of violence by the day, knowing their sons and daughters sacrifice themselves for a foreign land whose ideals seem tangled with cowardice,” Bush remarked, with a small tap of his hands on the side of the podium. “That is why the last year of this administration will be tirelessly committed to the new Iraq—to Funkytown—and making it the grooviest place on earth.”

The President went on to catalog his proposed changes in rapid-fire fashion.

“Y’all sick of car bombings? Me too. They’re gone. Now, everyone’s whacked out on coke and Gloria Gaynor albums blare through city streets 10 hours a day,” Bush beamed. “It’s freakin’ great. Remember that big-ass statue of Saddam? Now it’s a bronze John Travolta. Cheney should have pictures of all this stuff for you guys by next week.”

Some of the recent changes to a Kirkuk mosque

Anticipating dissenters, Mr. Bush made one final appeal to the American citizenry before transitioning to another part of his speech.

“Some say that this war is unwinnable, that it has turned into a dream crusade, that it will only result in more bloodshed,” Mr. Bush intoned. “I cannot, I will not believe that. Mark my words: Freedom is a bathroom blowjob from a stoned chick in a sequined dress, and just like Disco Duck and the Hustle, it too will come to Iraq. Er, Funkytown—I meant Funkytown.”

Labels: Baghdad, Funkytown, Iraq, Kirkuk, State of the Union