National Nitwit

(New York) Child television star Gary Coleman, who achieved short-lived fame in the 1980s television sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," has been chosen to fill the radio spot held by Howard Stern.

Coleman was a much-hyped mystery guest on Stern's nationwide radio show on Tuesday (October 25), where the actor revealed his will be the voice greeting Stern regulars the morning of January 3 — at least in several of the markets comprising the self-proclaimed King of All Media's syndicated, 27-station kingdom, an empire Stern has spent decades building.

"I am really looking forward to taking over for Howard," said the diminuitive Coleman. "The first thing I am going to do is get that cracker bastard Mr. Drummond on the air and bitch-slap that old pervert."

The choice for a Stern replacement was easy after interviewing Coleman, said Joel Hollander, Infinity's chairman and CEO.

"When we set out to find a replacement for Howard Stern, we took the opportunity to cultivate a wide array of talent, from both in and out of the radio industry," he said. "Coleman was by far the best, and the little fucker can still crack that shit-eating grin."

Coleman said that his deal - worth a reputed $500K a year - will go a long way toward paying bills.

"I stupidly tried to help that crackhead Todd Bridges out when he went nuts, and wound up about a million in the red," he said. "I am going to take that money and buy me a nice house in the suburbs. No more of that crazy city shit for me."