National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) The CIA has determined that Cuban President Fidel Castro suffers from Parkinson's disease, and that he could have difficulty coping with the responsibilities of office as his condition worsens, an source said Wednesday.

"The assessment is that he has the disease and that his condition has progressed. There appear to be more outward signs," said an official who is familiar with the assessment. "Looks like all those years of exploding cigars, hired assassins, and syphillis-ridden hookers have finally paid off."

The Cuban leader, 79, has been in power on the island of 11 million people since leading a 1959 revolution. He has long been at ideological odds with Washington.

"We first started talking about it after he had that fall last year," said the CIA official. "This is convincing evidence of the correctness of the US trade embargo and policies in general toward Castro."

Cuban officials declined to comment on the CIA assessment. They have consistently insisted Castro is in good health despite failing to show at a summit of Ibero-American leaders in Spain in October.

"So Fidel's hand is shaking - big fucking deal," said one Cuban official. "Look at your president - that dumb ass can't even stay vertical on his bike. If you ask me, Bush has the problems, not Castro."