National Nitwit

(Jerusalem) Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon underwent heart surgery to find the reason for his mild stroke last week, his doctors said on Monday.

Physicians, however, noted some unusual findings in the four-hour surgery on the 77-year old Sharon.

"The most noteworthy discovery is that Sharon, in fact, does not even have a heart," said Tamir Ben-Hur of the Hadassah hospital. "This helps explain his ability to mow down hundreds of people at the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps in Lebanon in 1982. We always wondered how someone could be so heartless, and now we know."

Blood appears to circulate through Sharon's ice-cold veins through sheer force of will, said physicians.

"The man has an iron constitution, and he is able to consciously control his own blood flow and pressure," said Ben-Hur. "It's the damndest thing."

In the past, Sharon has evaded requests to publicize his medical history, despite his claims that all the examinations attest to his good health and that their publication would worry only his political rivals.

"I can see now why he did not want any of this information to go public," said Ben-Hur, who added that Sharon's blood is "more like anti-freeze" than the normal variety. "A guy lacking a heart might scare away voters, although Bush managed to get reelected while lacking a brain."