National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, Recovering Liquid Luncher and National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—After years of notoriety on Saturday Night Live and several leading film roles, Hollywood jokester Jimmy Fallon has set his sights on literary pursuits, and plans to publish his first novel—which is set amidst the harrowing Bolshevik Revolution of 1917—in early 2006.

Fallon’s publisher, Simon & Schuster, Inc., anticipate that Last Train to Magnitogorsk will be a huge post-holiday blockbuster, and have already distributed three million copies to leading retailers and booksellers around the country.

Never one to shy away from publicity, Fallon was wittily energetic in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit.

“I have always loved how Russians like, talk weird and drink lots of vodka, so I figured: why not write about that?” Fallon revealed in a poolside discussion at his Beverly Hills estate. “But the real catalyst was the word ‘tsar,’ which you can also spell ‘czar.’ I think that’s called a homonym or something…I wrote a song about it if you have a minute.”

However, not everyone in the literary community echoes Fallon’s sophomoric optimism, and many academics question Fallon’s ability to accurately depict historical events.

Dr. William Royce, professor of Slavic studies at the University of Nebraska, had this to say after hearing of Fallon’s novel: “That guy is functionally retarded. I bet you in five years, he’s working parcel pick-up at a Home Depot in Sacramento, right alongside Colin Quinn. He made a movie with Queen Latifah, for Christ’s sake.”

Royce added that Fallon's novel has serious anachronistic flaws.

"Magnitogorsk was a Soviet planned city that did not even exist until 1929," said Royce. "In addition, none of the Romanov daughters were named Anna Kournikova."