National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) The Department of Homeland Security unveiled revamped proposals to secure the nation's borders.

Included in these proposals: land mines, throat-ripping Rottweilers, and machine gun towers.

"We will do whatever it takes to stop the flood of illegal immigrants into this country," said Secretary Michael Chertoff. "Illegal aliens have no business coming here and taking the shitty jobs taxpaying Americans do not want."

Chertoff also decried the social costs of illegal immigration.

"Have you ever turned on a radio in state like Texas or Florida? It's nothing but Tejano, salsa, and punto music, and you can't find Garth Brooks to save your life," he said. "Plus, do you want your daughter coming home with one of those shifty bastards? I think not."

Mexican President Vicente Fox denounced the US measures, passed by the House of Representatives last Friday, as “shameful."

"Let's just say that Mexicans will still find a way in," he said. "Besides, the cable down here sucks. Can you really blame Mexicans for wanting to go north for more 'Martha Stewart: The Apprentice?'"

The House bill, which passed on a vote of 239-182, includes a proposal to build 1,125 kilometers of additional fence through parts of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas, and would also enlist military and local law enforcement to help stop illegal entrants.

Chertoff urged Americans to stand fast in the fight against illegal immigration.

"We have to maintain long-standing American traditions of mindless xenophobia against immigrants," he said. "Your Irish, your Italians, and your Chinese all got treated like piles of shit in the past; why should Mexicans get it any easier?"