National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Ellis Island, NY)—After months of behind-the-scenes jockeying by the Bush Administration, the National Park Service has rechristened the Statue of Liberty “Freedom Bitch,” in a move that is sure to raise a firestorm of controversy in the coming weeks.

The copper statue—originally dubbed “Liberty Enlightening the World”—was the centerpiece of America’s centennial celebration in 1886, and was seen as a supreme gesture of goodwill between the U.S. and France.

However, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan offered some compelling rhetoric for the name change during a news conference yesterday afternoon.

“Let me assure you: the President appreciates the powerful legacy of this national monument,” McClellan explained, “but ‘liberty’ has like, a revolutionary feel. Have you seen our approval ratings? If people start taking it to the streets, we’re fucked—I’m talkin’ Lyndon Johnson fucked.”

Several neo-conservative think-tanks have also aggressively supported this ideological shift.

“Look: we’re at war, case closed,” boomed Frank Parker, founder of the American Heritage Foundation. “The new name has attitude. Nothing will strike more fear into the hearts of terrorists than a spiky-haired, pyromaniac chick. And if that means pissing off Frenchy, so be it.”