.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

1/05/2006

Richard Simmons Announces Coal Mine Exercise Video


(Los Angeles, CA) Fitness guru Richard Simmons, producer of dozens of themed exercise videos, unveiled a new disc with a timely theme.

Entitled "Sweatin' With The Miners," Simmons' video focuses on the aerobic value of a high carbon monoxide environment.

"OK - step, down, step, jump, gas mask on!" shouted Simmons in a promotional trailer. "Cave-in, on the floor, hold your breath, TURN BLUE!"

Simmons dismissed criticism that the video exploited the recent Sago coalmine tragedy.

"Listen, America - you are fat. Hello???" said the ebullient Simmons. "Whatever it takes to get your attention, I am going to do it."

Among the participants in the video - sole Sago survivor Randal McCloy.

"OK, so he's on a ventilator and dialysis. So what? Randy still needs to be thinking about his weight," said Simmons. "The quickest way for Randy to turn into a tub of lard is for him to sit in that hospital bed feeling sorry for himself."

Simmons said that International Coal Group CEO Ben Hatfield will also be in the video.

"Yes, Ben was just a natural for this project," said Simmons. "A big part of obesity is people with false beliefs about themselves, and who knows more about false beliefs than Ben Hatfield?"

Simmons said that Hatfield encourages exhausted exercise participants to keep going.

"Oh, it's fantastic how he can get peoples' spirits up," he said. "Just when they think they can't go on any further, Ben rushes in and tells them that they're alive."

Comments:
OMIGOD - this was hilarious and you completely skewered these evil media whores.
 
Oh man - wicked!
 
You are a very very bad man...

:-)
 
Lisa - I thought that the five bucks you gave me when I was panhandling meant...something more?

**sob**
 
Sales of this new coal mine exercise video are going THROUGH THE ROOF!

Thank you, Subcomandante Bob, for your coverage. Your site alone has delivered hundreds of calls to my hotline!
 
This is not funny. Those people DIED and you are LAUGHING at them.
 
Randy McCloy is on LIFE SUPPORT and you are LAUGHING at him. God how sick can you get?
 
The parody is not about the dead miners. It's about the media, the corporations, and the politicians who all profited from the tragedy.

Instead of attacking the National Nitwit, why not write your fucking congressman and demand that the Ben Hatfield's company fix the 208 violations?

Or write CNN, FOX, and the rest of the media vultures and chastise those whose desire to get the scoop likely fueled the mistaken rumor that 12 miners were alive?

Or opportunistic politicians like the WV governor, who told those poor residents of Sago that he was going to bring the survivors back to that church?


What, are you a Richard Simmons fan or something? Do you play "Sweatin' To The Oldies" every morning before plopping your can down to nine hours of Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, and a king-sized bag of Doritos?
 
Funny, but it probably would not have pissed off the prudes if you ran it a few days later.
 
Just imagine how much I would have given you if you were not such a bad, bad, man...

:-)

(probably less...lol)
 
Some, if act most, topics lend themselves to satire...this is not one of them. The deaths of 11 people and the way in which their families had to deal with the misinformation associated with those deaths really isn't comical.
 
if NOT most....sorry
 
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?