1/05/2006
Richard Simmons Announces Coal Mine Exercise Video
(Los Angeles, CA) Fitness guru Richard Simmons, producer of dozens of themed exercise videos, unveiled a new disc with a timely theme.
Entitled "Sweatin' With The Miners," Simmons' video focuses on the aerobic value of a high carbon monoxide environment.
"OK - step, down, step, jump, gas mask on!" shouted Simmons in a promotional trailer. "Cave-in, on the floor, hold your breath, TURN BLUE!"
Simmons dismissed criticism that the video exploited the recent Sago coalmine tragedy.
"Listen, America - you are fat. Hello???" said the ebullient Simmons. "Whatever it takes to get your attention, I am going to do it."
Among the participants in the video - sole Sago survivor Randal McCloy.
"OK, so he's on a ventilator and dialysis. So what? Randy still needs to be thinking about his weight," said Simmons. "The quickest way for Randy to turn into a tub of lard is for him to sit in that hospital bed feeling sorry for himself."
Simmons said that International Coal Group CEO Ben Hatfield will also be in the video.
"Yes, Ben was just a natural for this project," said Simmons. "A big part of obesity is people with false beliefs about themselves, and who knows more about false beliefs than Ben Hatfield?"
Simmons said that Hatfield encourages exhausted exercise participants to keep going.
"Oh, it's fantastic how he can get peoples' spirits up," he said. "Just when they think they can't go on any further, Ben rushes in and tells them that they're alive."
# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 4:55 AM
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OMIGOD - this was hilarious and you completely skewered these evil media whores.
# posted by 
: 6:17 AM
: 6:17 AM
Lisa - I thought that the five bucks you gave me when I was panhandling meant...something more?
**sob**
**sob**
Sales of this new coal mine exercise video are going THROUGH THE ROOF!
Thank you, Subcomandante Bob, for your coverage. Your site alone has delivered hundreds of calls to my hotline!
Thank you, Subcomandante Bob, for your coverage. Your site alone has delivered hundreds of calls to my hotline!
# posted by : 7:10 AM
: 7:10 AM
Randy McCloy is on LIFE SUPPORT and you are LAUGHING at him. God how sick can you get?
# posted by : 7:48 AM
: 7:48 AM
The parody is not about the dead miners. It's about the media, the corporations, and the politicians who all profited from the tragedy.
Instead of attacking the National Nitwit, why not write your fucking congressman and demand that the Ben Hatfield's company fix the 208 violations?
Or write CNN, FOX, and the rest of the media vultures and chastise those whose desire to get the scoop likely fueled the mistaken rumor that 12 miners were alive?
Or opportunistic politicians like the WV governor, who told those poor residents of Sago that he was going to bring the survivors back to that church?
What, are you a Richard Simmons fan or something? Do you play "Sweatin' To The Oldies" every morning before plopping your can down to nine hours of Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, and a king-sized bag of Doritos?
Instead of attacking the National Nitwit, why not write your fucking congressman and demand that the Ben Hatfield's company fix the 208 violations?
Or write CNN, FOX, and the rest of the media vultures and chastise those whose desire to get the scoop likely fueled the mistaken rumor that 12 miners were alive?
Or opportunistic politicians like the WV governor, who told those poor residents of Sago that he was going to bring the survivors back to that church?
What, are you a Richard Simmons fan or something? Do you play "Sweatin' To The Oldies" every morning before plopping your can down to nine hours of Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, and a king-sized bag of Doritos?
Funny, but it probably would not have pissed off the prudes if you ran it a few days later.
# posted by : 9:09 AM
: 9:09 AM
Just imagine how much I would have given you if you were not such a bad, bad, man...
:-)
(probably less...lol)
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:-)
(probably less...lol)
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