National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Poughkeepsie, NY)—Theresa Quinn, a 43-year-old financial consultant and mother of two, debated taking her own life while waiting to exchange a sweater in an “epic purgatorial mindfuck” queue at Old Navy, a national clothing retailer.

The sweater in question was a present from Ms. Quinn’s estranged mother, Isabelle, who currently lives in Denver, and has sent her daughter ill-sized clothing items for a record-breaking 9 years.

And while Ms. Quinn has no record of mental illness, the post-holiday letdown has all but crippled her emotional capacity.

“I knew as soon as UPS came it was another shitty gift from mommy,” Quinn remarked as she uncomfortably shifter her weight from foot to foot. “I swear to God, if this line doesn’t move soon, I’m going to hang myself with a pair of cargo pants.”

According to eyewitness reports, Ms. Quinn appeared “visibly shaken” moments later when cashier Margo Baxter, 17, closed her register for lunchtime, reducing the store’s efficiency from three lines to two.

“Dude, I thought that lady was gonna drop a box of flared denim on her skull,” revealed Mic Lawson, a local college student who stood behind Ms. Quinn for 45 minutes. “I’ve never seen anyone so distraught over a $13 cardigan in my whole life.”