National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Starkville, MS)—Researchers at Mississippi State University revealed earlier this week that people with hearing impairments are actually mentally disabled, and are incapable of comprehensive, rational thought. This refutes over a century of liberal rhetoric which maintains that deafness is a mere physical disability, with no correlation to intellectual aptitude.

“While our findings may be shocking to some, our results are undeniable,” said lead scientist Dr. John Bishop. “Deaf people are mongoloid freaks, and should be kept from the public at all costs. Personally, I feel they should be burned at the stake like 14th century pagans, but hey—that’s me.”

Bishop described one interview with a deaf participant.

“I asked this idiot the same question, like, 50 times, and he just kept staring at me,” he said. “What more proof do you need?”

Bishop said that many of the participants in his study demonstrated some odd behaviors.

“They kept doing this weird shit with their fingers when I asked them questions,” he said. “It really started to creep me out. I believe that these people are not only retarded, but have some strange obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

Many have contended MSU’s findings, however, and argue this recent development is another attempt to thwart civil rights.

“Oom va mata greesh,” asserted Marsha Quillen, president of Mississippians for the Hard of Hearing, a non-profit volunteer organization. “Goy ven ber wup crik otum.”

And while many pundits feel this is only the beginning of a larger national discourse, the MSU campus is abuzz with conflict and tension.

“I bagged a deaf chick once,” revealed junior Mark Irving, 24, an economics major. “Did I take advantage of her? Well, in hindsight, maybe so, but what jury is gonna convict a guy based on sign language?”