.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Bonds Celebrates Holiday by Shooting Up

Bonds’ juice-infused arms knock number 715 out of the park

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(San Francisco, CA)—Barry Bonds, the oft-maligned slugger who finally passed Babe Ruth on the all-time homerun list this weekend with 715, chose to spend Memorial Day taking enough steroids to kill a large pony rather than investing time with friends and family.

Bonds, now in his 21st season, felt his personal sacrifice would benefit the San Francisco Giants franchise despite his frequently neglected roles as a husband and father.

“Yeah, my kids miss me, so the fuck what?” Bonds huffed in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit from his secret workout lair. “They can cry to their Powerwheels and Barbie dolls and Playstations, because this body bought that shit. I got work to do. Don’t have time to sit around cooking hot dogs when I should be doing leg lifts.”

And while Bonds has no shortage of critics among fans, journalists, and even his fellow players, many in San Francisco appreciate his fervent dedication to the sport, even if it may entail drastic and sometimes illicit measures.

“I could care less if his nads shrink up and his head swells like a vodka watermelon,” remarked Joe Cephas, a Bay-area resident who has remained a staunch supporter of Bonds. “Mark my words: years from now, when a small army of nurses are busy wiping his Parkinson’s-ridden ass and feeding him applesauce through a straw, he’ll know he was among the elite of baseball, and baby, that’s all that counts.” American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini avian flu bird flu

billy you're turrrrrrrible!
"Bonds huffed...
Yeah, once you start with the addictions, it becomes a slippery slope...
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?