National Nitwit

Bonds’ juice-infused arms knock number 715 out of the park

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor


(San Francisco, CA)—Barry Bonds, the oft-maligned slugger who finally passed Babe Ruth on the all-time homerun list this weekend with 715, chose to spend Memorial Day taking enough steroids to kill a large pony rather than investing time with friends and family.

Bonds, now in his 21st season, felt his personal sacrifice would benefit the San Francisco Giants franchise despite his frequently neglected roles as a husband and father.

“Yeah, my kids miss me, so the fuck what?” Bonds huffed in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit from his secret workout lair. “They can cry to their Powerwheels and Barbie dolls and Playstations, because this body bought that shit. I got work to do. Don’t have time to sit around cooking hot dogs when I should be doing leg lifts.”

And while Bonds has no shortage of critics among fans, journalists, and even his fellow players, many in San Francisco appreciate his fervent dedication to the sport, even if it may entail drastic and sometimes illicit measures.

“I could care less if his nads shrink up and his head swells like a vodka watermelon,” remarked Joe Cephas, a Bay-area resident who has remained a staunch supporter of Bonds. “Mark my words: years from now, when a small army of nurses are busy wiping his Parkinson’s-ridden ass and feeding him applesauce through a straw, he’ll know he was among the elite of baseball, and baby, that’s all that counts.” American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini avian flu bird flu