National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Aspen, CO)—Kenneth Lay, founder and former chairman of the scandal-ridden Enron Corporation, died of a heart attack early this morning while awaiting sentencing on ten counts of bank fraud and conspiracy. He was 64.

Not surprisingly, Lay’s heart failure was hastened by a never-ending cavalcade of prostitutes, cocaine, and whipped cream while he was free on a $5 million bond, which reached a pitched fervor during a Fourth of July celebration.

“Mr. Lay was a sick ol’ freak,” remarked Tamara Johnson, a housekeeper at Lay’s sprawling compound in Aspen. “He had all kinds of girls and drugs come through here. But in my line of work, you don’t ask questions—you just go about your business and clean up the vomit.”

Left: Some of Mr. Lay’s female companions of negotiable virtue

And while Mr. Lay’s vast financial empire has been under intense scrutiny in recent years, he has nonetheless been able to maintain a lavish lifestyle.

“Ken knew how to party, straight up,” revealed Candy Lewis, a frequent guest and sexual liaison of Mr. Lay’s. “I like to think he died on his terms — surrounded by beautiful women and with enough cocaine in his body to kill a small horse.”