National Nitwit

Left: Nike's new "Air Jesus" sports shoes

(New York) Footwear giant Nike has signed Jesus Christ to an exclusive shoe and merchndise deal, according to corporate spokesman Dean Stoyer.

"The timing was great, and the endorsement package worked for both parties," he said, posing with the Son of God for a photo shoot. "JC and Nike will be pairing up to roll out the 'Air Jesus' line of shoes and velour running suits in the fall of 2006."

The Lamb of God said that his appearance at the press conference was "strictly business."

"Listen - I don't want people to think this is the Rapture or anything," He said, putting on a pair of Air Jesus sunglasses. "In fact, I was reluctant to even show up for fear of getting eberyone freaked, but my agent said it's part of the package."

Left: One of several iconic changes resulting from the deal

The Nike-Christ collaboration did not go over well in Heaven, admitted Jesus.

"Oh yeah, the Lord Almighty is ticked off right now," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "He figured He should get at least 10 percent as an origination fee. There's going to be some fireworks when I get back, no doubt."

Christ is also expected to sign a deal with Gatorade to put the Messiah's picture on its bottles, and He also will appear in TV commercials for a new raspberry-flavored "Communion Splash" sports drink.