National Nitwit

Left: Durfee can't let go

(Washington, DC) Despite living in the nation's capital and riding its Metro rail system for "almost a year," Department of Agriculture employee Thomas Durfee still holds onto the safety bars "like a little sissy boy," according to friends and coworkers.

"I used to think that Thomas was a stand-up guy until I began to notice he won't let go of the rail," said coworker Allen Hartnett, who added that he mastered the "no-hold" technique in about a week. "He's like a kid who won't let Daddy take off the training wheels."

Durfee's supervisor at DOA, J. Porter Larson, added that such behavior "is not expected" among upward-bound employees.

"Let's face it - anyone who can't let go of the pole is probably afraid to take chances, and that's exactly what we don't need from our DOA managers," he said, shaking his head. "We need managers who can take the bull by the horns, and not riding some little coin-operated horsie at the Piggly Wiggly with his Mama."

Left: Durfee with three female friends, none of whom are pole-grabbing scaredy-cats

Worse yet, said friend Jerry Wilkens, is that Durfee seems "oblivious" to this unspoken cultural norm and measure of masculinity.

"I just cringe when he stands there, holding that bar and smiling," he said. "Tom's like a guy with a shit stain on the back of his pants - he has no clue that people see him as pathetic. And - quite frankly - he grips that pole with an almost erotic touch. THAT's some freaky stuff, man."