National Nitwit

Left: Ground patrols will be easier with fewer Iraqis

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—President Bush, in what has become rote justification for US involvement in Iraq, offered some stirring rhetoric this morning for critics who insist on a military timetable: by the end of 2006, all Iraqis will be fully liberated or blown to smithereens.

Mr. Bush outlined his new assessment of the conflict in exacting terms.

“I know the American people need answers—they see the car bombings, the senseless murder of children, the insatiable hatred of terrorism,” Bush rallied during a press conference this morning. “That is why, after long deliberation and careful planning, this administration is confident in announcing that all Iraqis will be free from tyranny by year’s end—as long as they haven’t been blown the fuck up.”

The president’s new assertion comes at a difficult time, as there appears to be vast international paralysis on the Israeli-Lebanon conflict, and much of Iraq has descended into the quicksand of civil war.

Given this stark reality, Mr. Bush’s latest pronouncement seems to instill hope in many.

“Hey man—I didn’t watch my buddies die face down in the mud to cut and run on this thing,” remarked Dano Fatetelli, 23, Lance Corporal U.S.M.C., who now works highway construction on the D.C. Beltway. “We’ve come too far to give up on democracy.”

Left: Fatetelli hard at work on DC’s crummy roads

Fatetelli added thoughtfully, leaning on his jackhammer: “Look—we’re either gonna save those poor people from terrorism, or watch them all die from bazooka blasts and shit—it’s just that simple.”