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Nurse: Terminally Ill Patient "Needs Her Ass Beat"

Left: Some patients really abuse the whole concept of "terminal," says Nolan

(Chicago, IL) Marie Nolan, an oncology nurse at Rush University Medical Center's cancer unit, believes that the patient in 2011 is deliberately trying to provoke her.

"She rings that goddamn bell every fifteen minutes for someone to make sure her morphine drip is still working," she said to National Nitwit reporters about Gladys Kellerman, 83. " It's 'Oh, my chest hurts' and 'Oh, my head hurts' and 'Oh, my bed pan is full' all night long with this whack bitch. I swear to God I'm going to kill her before the mesothelioma does."

Nolan said that she's "pretty sure" that the elderly patient secretly enjoys making her work harder.

"So I bring in her dinner last night, and sure enough she's ringing that bell again two minutes later," she said, shaking her head. "I go to her room, and she's dumped her Jello down her gown. Not only do I have to get her another one, but I gotta scoop out clumps of melting Jello from between her wrinkled boobs. Ugh!"

Left: Kellerman plotting her next act of cruelty in the guise of being a 'victim'

Nolan said that she became convinced of the old woman's "evil nature" after drawing a blood sample last week.

"For the life of me I couldn't get that old witch to make a fist for me, and I had to poke her eight times before I got a vein with some blood pressure," she said. "As I left the room she pretended to cough, but I know she was just hiding her maniacal laughter. That's how it is with all of these dying bastards - they just love to make the healthy wait on them hand and foot. It's pretty sick stuff, if you ask me. She ought to be in the psych ward."

That nurse is the whacked one. She should get fired!
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