.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Christian Rockers Question Coolness after Recent Gig

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Milwaukee, WI)—Faith-driven rock band Messiah Shroud had a disturbing moment of clarity after observing their fan base at a club performance late Saturday night.

According to eyewitness reports, there were approximately 30 people in attendance, most of whom were teenage girls between the ages of 12 and 17.

“I can’t believe I quit playing the bar scene for this bullshit,” remarked lead guitarist James Xavier between drags off his Parliament menthol backstage. “I can’t even flirt with these young-ass groupies, dude—I’m on probation for another three months.”

Audience at Christian concertLeft: Saving souls, losing self-respect

Xavier said the change from being "a band with true artistic vision" to performing songs like "Jesus Rock My World" has been difficult for the band.

"I have to admit - it's hard to get behind these insipid lyrics and predictable chord structures," he said, knocking down a 40-ounce Mickey's Malt Liquor backstage. "But then again, these Christian promoters pay up square every night. I like to eat, so these Jesus gigs do have their positive aspects."

Sources close to the group cite vocalist Zach Evans as the driving force behind the band’s musical makeover, which began in late 2004 after he attended a church retreat. Formerly known as Banished Moon, the quintet sacrificed a lucrative contract with an independent label to change their format from hallucinogen-inspired emo-thrash to Christian metal.

“This is so lame,” huffed bassist Ian McCormack after the two-song encore. “Did you see those kids? I think one girl had a Sponge Bob shirt on. At this rate, I’m never gonna score a threeway on the tour bus.”

Sure, they're Christian rockers all right. They don't sound very committed to Christ.
"...At this rate, I’m never gonna score a threeway on the tour bus.”

But dude, there are five of you in the quintet...

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?