National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Milwaukee, WI)—Faith-driven rock band Messiah Shroud had a disturbing moment of clarity after observing their fan base at a club performance late Saturday night.

According to eyewitness reports, there were approximately 30 people in attendance, most of whom were teenage girls between the ages of 12 and 17.

“I can’t believe I quit playing the bar scene for this bullshit,” remarked lead guitarist James Xavier between drags off his Parliament menthol backstage. “I can’t even flirt with these young-ass groupies, dude—I’m on probation for another three months.”

Left: Saving souls, losing self-respect

Xavier said the change from being "a band with true artistic vision" to performing songs like "Jesus Rock My World" has been difficult for the band.

"I have to admit - it's hard to get behind these insipid lyrics and predictable chord structures," he said, knocking down a 40-ounce Mickey's Malt Liquor backstage. "But then again, these Christian promoters pay up square every night. I like to eat, so these Jesus gigs do have their positive aspects."

Sources close to the group cite vocalist Zach Evans as the driving force behind the band’s musical makeover, which began in late 2004 after he attended a church retreat. Formerly known as Banished Moon, the quintet sacrificed a lucrative contract with an independent label to change their format from hallucinogen-inspired emo-thrash to Christian metal.

“This is so lame,” huffed bassist Ian McCormack after the two-song encore. “Did you see those kids? I think one girl had a Sponge Bob shirt on. At this rate, I’m never gonna score a threeway on the tour bus.”