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NFL Fan "Totally Screwed" Without Any Games This Weekend

(Oakland, CA) Raiders fan Greg Carmichael managed to suffer through his team's dismal 2-14 record in stride, taking solace in the fact that there was "always a good NFL game on someplace."

The lifelong football fanatic, however, faces a weekend devoid of pro football.

"I mean, I knew we were getting close to the Super Bowl, but the AFC and NFC championships came and went so fast," complained Carmichael, tossing a football up in the air. "This is one of the worst weeks of my life."

Carmichael said that watching reruns on ESPN2 and the NFL Network "just won't cut it."

"Look - we all know Elway's going to march the Broncos the 98 yards in the last five minutes on The Drive," he said, shaking his head. "Watching NFL reruns is like masturbating in your room when there's this really hot chick next door, and all you have to do is get up the nerve to ask her out. Well, almost - since you can still eat pizza while watching NFL reruns, and that's hard to do if you're masturbating."

DAMMIT! Start playing, already

Even though the Super Bowl is the real end of the NFL season, Carmichael said that he's already going through withdrawal.

"The Super Bowl is like hitting a joint two weeks after you quit smoking pot," he wistfully opined. "It's a little taste before you have to quit for good because you're starting a new job next week that has mandatory drug testing, and if you lose this job you're pretty sure the old lady is leaving you for good this time, no bullshit, because she's talked about splitting before, but there's this weird look in her eyes lately, and she's been making a lot of late night fucking phone calls to some Atlanta number. That kind of taste."

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