National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Brady: He’ll Suck Your Daughter Dry

(Foxborough, MA)—Sources close to the New England Patriots leaked critical information earlier this morning that NFL MVP Tom Brady, arguably the greatest quarterback of his generation, is in fact a vampire who feasts on the blood of unspoiled teenage women.

“Brady is a monster, straight up,” remarked a Patriots source who spoke to the National Nitwit only under the guise of anonymity. “I mean, for starters, the guy sleeps in a coffin, refuses to eat any dish with garlic at team luncheons, and frankly, just has blood on his face all the time.”

However, it is not just any blood that quenches Brady’s unholy thirst.

“When I first met Tom, man, I thought he was just into young pussy, right, which ain’t all that different from other single guys in this league,” explained teammate Randy Moss. “But then I noticed he was never with the same shorty twice, and that he get really paranoid about guys opening the trunk of his car. It didn’t take long to put two and two together.”

So as the Patriots and Chargers both prepare for their AFC Championship bout this weekend, one question remains: will Brady’s bloodlust undermine his team’s unprecedented season?

“Look, I don’t care if the guy is slurping type O Negative from Hannah Montana’s inner thigh on the sideline,” huffed a defensive Moss. “As long as my dude keep throwing touchdowns, we goin’ to the Superbowl.”

Labels: New England Patriots, Super Bowl, Tom Brady, vampires

(Miami) There's a lot more on the line for Chicago Bear's defensive back Ricky Manning, Jr. in today's Super Bowl than just a championship ring.

The fourth-year star out of UCLA hopes to mend some family ties with estranged father Archie Manning.

"Ever since I was a little kid, my dad has always looked down on me because... I play defense," he said, looking down. "Peyton and Eli have always gotten more of his time and love than I ever did. Maybe if I play well, my Dad will accept me for who I am - an All-Pro cornerback."

Manning Jr., who tied for the Chicago team lead with five interceptions in the regular season, has one of the Bears’ two picks in the postseason, and five interceptions in nine postseason games in his career. Still, he said, Archie Manning has never congratulated him after a good game.

"I used to see him peeking at my games from beside the bleachers in high school, but by the time the game ended, he'd be gone," said Manning, Jr. "And when we'd sit down home for dinner, nobody would ever talk about me being a football player. Just about Peyton, Cooper, and Eli, the fuckers."

Left: Archie Manning reluctant to show his love for son Ricky Manning, Jr.

Manning, Jr. believes his father bears some "hidden grudge" from a point before he was born.

"There's some talk that my Mom and some linebacker from the Chiefs hooked up, and that I'm not really my Dad's son," he said, looking off into the distance. "But I like to think that I'm always a part of him, no matter what. And just because I play defense is no reason for him to ignore me. I just want to be loved, OK, Dad?"

Labels: Archie Manning, Jr., Ricky Manning, Super Bowl

(Oakland, CA) Raiders fan Greg Carmichael managed to suffer through his team's dismal 2-14 record in stride, taking solace in the fact that there was "always a good NFL game on someplace."

The lifelong football fanatic, however, faces a weekend devoid of pro football.

"I mean, I knew we were getting close to the Super Bowl, but the AFC and NFC championships came and went so fast," complained Carmichael, tossing a football up in the air. "This is one of the worst weeks of my life."

Carmichael said that watching reruns on ESPN2 and the NFL Network "just won't cut it."

"Look - we all know Elway's going to march the Broncos the 98 yards in the last five minutes on The Drive," he said, shaking his head. "Watching NFL reruns is like masturbating in your room when there's this really hot chick next door, and all you have to do is get up the nerve to ask her out. Well, almost - since you can still eat pizza while watching NFL reruns, and that's hard to do if you're masturbating."

DAMMIT! Start playing, already

Even though the Super Bowl is the real end of the NFL season, Carmichael said that he's already going through withdrawal.

"The Super Bowl is like hitting a joint two weeks after you quit smoking pot," he wistfully opined. "It's a little taste before you have to quit for good because you're starting a new job next week that has mandatory drug testing, and if you lose this job you're pretty sure the old lady is leaving you for good this time, no bullshit, because she's talked about splitting before, but there's this weird look in her eyes lately, and she's been making a lot of late night fucking phone calls to some Atlanta number. That kind of taste."

Labels: NFL, Peyton Manning, Super Bowl