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1/21/2007

Obama Nominates Slutty Hippie Chick as ’08 Running Mate

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Gardner: Teeming with semen, national pride, and psilocybe

(Chicago, IL)—Barack Obama, the junior senator from Illinois who has generated a whirlwind of political enthusiasm since recently announcing his 2008 presidential bid, made another startling proclamation this morning: 28-year-old Amanda Gardner, a self-described “free-lovin’ pot-head,” will serve as his running mate even though the Democratic primaries are still a year away.

Gardner, a native of San Francisco, has scant political experience and several drug convictions, but Senator Obama expressed his tenacious commitment to her leadership abilities.

“When this intelligent and deeply empathetic woman was blowing me on my tour bus last week, it struck me that she is exactly what America needs,” Obama remarked during an early morning press conference in downtown Chicago. “Her legs, heart, and mind are open to bi-partisan solutions—and hey, her face doesn’t look like it’s been hit with an ugly stick like that dike Hilary.”

Obama has an image to protect

Obama continued to highlight Gardner’s “audacity to freewheel.”

“My entire career has been about hype over substance, so if there are any middle-class white folks still on the fence, this should get their fat asses to the polls,” Obama boasted. “I mean, have you seen this girl? She’s got the face of an angel and never wears a bra, unlike our current Vice-President. After staring at Dick Cheney’s corpulent St. Bernard jowls for eight years, this chick will feel like the Second Coming.”

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