National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Lagging Senator: Genius or Schizophrenic?

(Washington, D.C.)—With polls across American showing Republican presidential nominee John McCain slipping drastically behind his opponent Barack Obama—in large part to the steady decline of the U.S. economy—the veteran senator unveiled a risky speech earlier this morning in a last-ditch effort to woo independent voters: he vented his loathing for his own Republican Party.

“My friends, you’ve called me a maverick for years, and with three weeks left in this election, let me don that mantle once again,” McCain intoned at a rally in central Michigan. “Not only do I disagree with the policies of the Bush Administration, and the hardcore cronyism of Washington, but I now vow, before the American people I so deeply love, that I disown the very Republican Party I represent. As the next Republican president of the United States, I promise to fix the economic wreckage of these Republicans.”

While many undecided voters met this announcement with mixed reactions, it is clear McCain’s once-narrow deficit has grown into a chasm, particularly in battleground states such as Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Colorado. This move is seen by many as a final attempt to convince independents that McCain is capable of generating the sweeping reforms so desperately needed in the Oval Office.

“My friends, only by putting a Republican in the White House can we undo the damage done by Republicans,” McCain boomed. “After all, who is best suited to cleanse us of the broken politics of the past than a man who was a principal backer of the broken politics of the past? You people realize Obama is black, right?”

Labels: 2008 elections, Barack Obama, John McCain

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Obama: Did He Give the State of the Union Address Already?

(Washington, D.C.)—As the nation prepares for the final months of its most divisive and energized presidential campaign in recent memory, it appears the whirlwind press coverage of Senator Barack Obama has had a peculiar but nonetheless explicable effect: most American teens already believe he is President of the United States.

“I’m so glad President Obama is changing all the bad stuff Bush did when he was president last year,” expressed Tina Gladwell, a tenth grader at Annapolis High School. “I mean, I know we’re still at war, and people like Mr. Baxter can’t find a job so they drink from brown bags at the bus stop telling us girls how cute we are, but we have a good president now. If he can just find himself a vice president, it’ll be rad.”

Political experts around the country have tried to diagnose this phenomenon, and have cited a plethora of possiblities for why so many youngsters have misunderstood this year’s election cycle.

“You can call it the myopia of youth, or a cult of personality, or perhaps even some latent Freudian desire for a paradigm shift,” explained Dr. Thomas Newton, a political science professor at George Mason University. “But it may come down to the simple facts: Bush’s approval rating is like, 9%, and if McCain lives past Thanksgiving we’ll all be shocked. So maybe the kids are right and Obama IS already president. Fuck. This is getting pretty spacey. Good thing I’m not on acid right now.”

Labels: 2008 elections, Barack Obama

Guest Editorial by George Norwood,
Michigan voter

I think it is highly un-democratic and an insult to the voters of Michigan that our Democratic primary did not count, and that the Party will not seat our delegates. After all, no state has been hit harder by job cuts than Michigan, and the blue collar voters of this state have been loyal Democrats for many decades.

Thus, it is only fair that we Michigan voters exercise our right to choose which candidate will fuck us up the ass.

Listen - for the past fifty years we've been taking the snake up the poop chute from Washington politicians. LBJ? Hammered us hard. Nixon? Plowed us like blond-headed prison arrivals. Reagan? Slapped us around and drilled us with his withered horse cock.

Some Michigan voters might want Barack Obama as President, because he would probably be gentle and put on some romantic music first, maybe whispering in our ears just before slipping his shaft up our asses. The problem with Obama is that he is young, and would likely want to fuck us up the ass 3-4 times week.

Others might want Hillary Clinton, who would be fucking Michigan voters up the ass with a blood-red strap-on dildo. Clinton would ride Michigan pretty rough, but she would probably fuck us up the ass really hard every other weekend, and she might give Michigan the occasional reacharound.

I think Michigan Republicans had better choices, since John McCain is too old to be fucking Michigan up the ass, and even with Viagra, he would be only be pointing his limp dick our way once a month. But I am glad that Mitt Romney is out, since those sexually repressed Mormons would be likely to be dragging Michigan out behind the garage and fucking us up the ass, like, every hour or so.

So, in the final analysis, as the state that has to get presidentially poked on a regular basis, I believe Michigan residents should have some choice as to which candidate gets to fuck us up the ass.

And maybe this time they could leave twenty bucks on the nightstand. It's not like we are whores, but if we could buy ourselves a little something, we might feel better about getting fucked up the ass so much.

Labels: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Michigan

Guest Editorial by
Senator Hillary Clinton

Listen up, y'all: I know that Brarack Obama has been peddling his half-black ass around South Carolina lately, trying to pretend he has an ounce of Negritude about him, but I know that South Carolina voters are not that stupid. You want a President who can walk the walk, and who knows what it means to grow up poor and black.

South Carolina: I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am your nigga.

For starters, y'all know that my husband Bill was the first African American President, and since I have slept with him at least a dozen times, it is obvious I am down with the brown. What you probably don't know is that I taught Bill everything he knows about being black.

So when everybody got they noses up in the air, I'll be there for you, lettin' you know your nigga cares. Cuz only niggas is willing to put it all on the line, so ride wit us when it's killin' time, 'cuz I got yo back, South Carolina.

And when I'm ballin', I'm a floss in front of all y'all non-believers. You thought I couldn't win, but to my homies, my lovers, and my friends, I got yo back, South Carolina.

Peace out, y'all.

Labels: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, South Carolina

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Giuliani: Less substance than a lobotomized Jersey blonde on Quaaludes

(Washington, D.C.)—Rudolph Giuliani, former mayor of New York and Republican presidential hopeful, made a surprising admission earlier this morning during a Houston, Texas visit on his campaign trail: he has “no idea what the fuck” he stands for, and is continually amazed at his soaring popularity.

“I would love to clarify my stance on abortion, as soon as I figure out what the fuck it is,” Giuliani remarked to a roomful of reporters and press agents. “Honestly, I’m still riding high on that whole 9/11 thing. You guys remember that? 9/11? When I saved the universe from space mutants? That shit was awesome.”

He also asserted that his platform on equally important issues is convoluted and shaky at best.

“Gays? Hate ‘em, but they deserve equal rights... unless it’s Opposite Day,” Giuliani chuckled. “But seriously, gun control, immigrants, Medicare—all that other stuff is beyond me. Hell, just last week I stood in the frozen food section of the grocery store staring at frozen pizzas like a drunk injun for half an hour. Four cheese, pepperoni, supreme... I had to buy two of each just to get the fuck out of there.”

Giuliani concluded by noting that he is continually impressed by the leadership of the Democratic opposition.

“I have to admit, folks,” the former mayor inquisitively intoned, “Hillary and Barack are both a lot better at this than me. Why, when we were all in the Holiday Inn hot tub last week, smoking a righteous bowl of ganja, I turned to Obama and said: ‘Dude, you look just like Jimi Hendrix. I’d vote for your ass in a minute.’ Then we all went to my room and watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force on TiVo. That shit is hilarious.”

Labels: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Gardner: Teeming with semen, national pride, and psilocybe

(Chicago, IL)—Barack Obama, the junior senator from Illinois who has generated a whirlwind of political enthusiasm since recently announcing his 2008 presidential bid, made another startling proclamation this morning: 28-year-old Amanda Gardner, a self-described “free-lovin’ pot-head,” will serve as his running mate even though the Democratic primaries are still a year away.

Gardner, a native of San Francisco, has scant political experience and several drug convictions, but Senator Obama expressed his tenacious commitment to her leadership abilities.

“When this intelligent and deeply empathetic woman was blowing me on my tour bus last week, it struck me that she is exactly what America needs,” Obama remarked during an early morning press conference in downtown Chicago. “Her legs, heart, and mind are open to bi-partisan solutions—and hey, her face doesn’t look like it’s been hit with an ugly stick like that dike Hilary.”

Obama has an image to protect

Obama continued to highlight Gardner’s “audacity to freewheel.”

“My entire career has been about hype over substance, so if there are any middle-class white folks still on the fence, this should get their fat asses to the polls,” Obama boasted. “I mean, have you seen this girl? She’s got the face of an angel and never wears a bra, unlike our current Vice-President. After staring at Dick Cheney’s corpulent St. Bernard jowls for eight years, this chick will feel like the Second Coming.”

Labels: Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, psilocybe