National Nitwit

Barbaro the horse is up for sainthood

(Vatican City) The Vatican is close to making the late thoroughbred Barbaro a saint after investigating three "miracles" attributed to the Kentucky Derby-winning stallion. If canonized Barbaro will become the first horse so rewarded since Triple Crown winner St. War Admiral in 1937.

The horse had already been credited with curing a nun of Parkinson's disease and now he has been credited with two other cures, the proof of which will confer on him beatification and then canonization.

"I am happy because the cause [for beatification] is proceeding well, especially with all the wailing, gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments by Barbaro's fans today," said Krakow Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz, who won $500 on Barbaro in the Kentucky Derby. "The Holy Father Benedict XVI is looking after it. He's always had a thing for the ponies."

Pope Benedict XVI has put Barbaro on a fast-track to canonization, waiving an existing rule whereby the Vatican normally waits five years after a candidate's death before beginning the process. A similar waiver led to the rapid elevation of Mother Teresa's status in 2003.

"In Krakow the procedures were wrapped up quickly because there were fewer witnesses. There are more in Rome, with 27 different people claiming Barbaro produced these miracles," the cardinal said. "But it seems that this questioning process is nearing completion in Rome as well, which is good, because I'm pretty tired of talking to a bunch of equine-obsessed nutjobs."

The unnamed French nun was suffering from the advanced stages of Parkinson's disease when members of her convent prayed to the spirit of Barbaro to ask God for her full recovery in May 2006.

Several hours after the prayers began, the nun said that she could hold a pen without difficulty, and within two weeks she arose from her bed, reporting "no more pain, no rigidity" and "a tremendous craving for carrot sticks."

Candidates being considered for sainthood must not only have led a virtuous life but also have to have been responsible for a medically inexplicable cure after their death by responding to prayers from the afterlife.

"Barbaro truly led a life in the image of Christ, with the exception that he got horny as hell when there was a sexually mature female horse nearby," said the cardinal. "But hell, I'll bet even Jesus himself got the occasional woody. As far as I'm concerned, Barabro is all but in as a saint."

Labels: Barbaro, Pope Benedict, sainthood