2/27/2007
Cheney Pens Mash Note to Beyonce in Post-Oscar Passion
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue EditorCheney: 21st-Century Wordsworth?
(Washington, DC)—Dick Cheney, the miserly and secretive two-term Vice President who has been subject of public scorn for several years, recently broke his own code of emotive silence by penning a heartfelt love letter to pop star Beyonce.
The epistle was reportedly inspired by Beyonce’s invigorating performance at Sunday night’s Oscar Awards.
“As soon as I saw that Brown Beauty shaking her ass, I was smitten,” Cheney remarked in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “Plus, she has an amazing set of pipes. I don’t mean to date myself, but I haven’t seen this combination of hotness and talent since Nancy Sinatra back in ’66. Jesus, I’m getting boner just thinking about it.”
Cheney’s newfound adoration came as a shock to many in the Bush Administration who had, until now, taken a bizarre comfort in the Vice President’s consistently gruff demeanor.
Beyonce: Cheney’s Brown Sugar“Whenever you need someone to order the bombing of innocent children in some third-world village, Cheney was your man,” remarked a high-ranking Pentagon official who spoke under the assurance of anonymity. “That guy could kill three hundred civilians while eating a tuna melt. Now, he’s getting in touch with his feelings, listening to old Destiny’s Child albums—it’s only a matter of time before he’s ordering Julia Roberts movies on Netflix and waxing his legs.”
Indeed, only time will tell, it seems, if Cheney’s impassioned prose will woo the young starlet from her longtime beau Jay-Z.
“I hope she gives me a shot,” Cheney remarked while sipping a John Deere mug of steaming green tea. “I ended the letter with a simple ‘do you like me circle YES or NO,’ so hopefully she’ll fax that to my lair by week’s end. I can take the rejection, though…nothing a few Scud missiles can’t help me overcome.”
Labels: Beyonce, Dick Cheney, Scud
# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 4:14 PM
