National Nitwit

Guest editorial by Melissa Ogrodowski, crystal afficianado

I first met "Dan" - that's what he likes me to call him, but I know he's really the Vice-President - way back in 1999. I was working H Street, just past Chinatown, when this silver Lexus puls up, and a Popeye-looking dude with sunglasses just grins at me.

"Gots money, I'm in," I think to myself. Little did I know that I would one day be carrying this man's love child.

We had some great times together, me and Dick. He'd give me a bunch of cash, and I'd score some snow, and he'd watch as I got good and stoked up. He never snorted it, but sometimes he liked to lick it off my chest. Then we'd go racing around DC with a Secret Service agent behind the wheel, me going down on him while he talked on the secure cell with NSA geeks.

Once we actually did it in the Oval Office. The President was out of town on a campaign stop, and we went at it right there on the desk. Dick made me call him "Mr. President" as he slammed into me: "Oh, MR. PRESIDENT! YOU"RE SO HA-A-A-ARD!" Shit like that.

Sometimes, though, Dick got a little weird on me, like black dildo kind of weird. I mean - whatever the client wants, right? But when he made me shove it up his ass without lubrication while whispering in his ear: "Condi's giving it to you BAD!" - that was just too much.

But now that he knocked me up, he won't return my calls or anything. I just get this envelope with $1000 and the number to an abortion clinic delivered to me last week. No name, no card, no flowers.

Of course I spent that shit in about 12 minutes with one phone call to Tino. We partied like it was two thousand and 99, y'all.

And the kid? Listen - it's a hard world. My mom drank like a fucking Shriner while she carried me, and I turned out OK. Fuck it, I'm out.

Labels: crystal, Dick Cheney, meth

(Bagram, Afghanistan) News that Vice-President Dick Cheney was not injured during a suicide bomber attack at the Bagram air base did not surprise witnesses to the event.

By all accounts, the gritty Cheney simply snuffed the attack by exerting his legendary masculine will.

"When the Vice-President saw the attacker running toward the main gates of Bagram, he puffed out his chest, stuck out his jaw, and did that Popeye-like scunched face thing he does," said Air Force Lieutenant Cal Hubert. "All of a sudden the bomber stopped, and he like melted to the ground. You could almost see the supreme manly anger-waves shoot straight from Cheney's eyes. Too cool."

Others witnessing the foiled attack said that Cheney limited what might have been a more deadly scene from occurring.

"There was like this plasma wave that oozed out of the Vice-President, surrounding the blast waves and refocusing them inward on the bomber," said another eyewitness. "Yeah, a few people still got killed, but if weren't for Cheney's supernatural will power, I'll bet half the base would have been snuffed. P-f-f-f-ft!"

Left: Artist's recreation of the plasma generation by Vice-President Dick Cheney

Other witnesses described certain environmental phenomena associated with the unusual Cheney event.

"Right when he focused on the bomber, all the lights in the barracks dimmed," said Corporal Oliver Detwiler. "And I felt this... this sucking of energy from within me. When it was all done, my nuts hurt and my breasts were kind of swollen, but that's a small price to pay for freedom. Thanks, Mr. Vice-President!"

Labels: Afghanistan, Bagram, Dick Cheney

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Cheney: 21st-Century Wordsworth?

(Washington, DC)—Dick Cheney, the miserly and secretive two-term Vice President who has been subject of public scorn for several years, recently broke his own code of emotive silence by penning a heartfelt love letter to pop star Beyonce.

The epistle was reportedly inspired by Beyonce’s invigorating performance at Sunday night’s Oscar Awards.

“As soon as I saw that Brown Beauty shaking her ass, I was smitten,” Cheney remarked in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “Plus, she has an amazing set of pipes. I don’t mean to date myself, but I haven’t seen this combination of hotness and talent since Nancy Sinatra back in ’66. Jesus, I’m getting boner just thinking about it.”

Cheney’s newfound adoration came as a shock to many in the Bush Administration who had, until now, taken a bizarre comfort in the Vice President’s consistently gruff demeanor.

Beyonce: Cheney’s Brown Sugar

“Whenever you need someone to order the bombing of innocent children in some third-world village, Cheney was your man,” remarked a high-ranking Pentagon official who spoke under the assurance of anonymity. “That guy could kill three hundred civilians while eating a tuna melt. Now, he’s getting in touch with his feelings, listening to old Destiny’s Child albums—it’s only a matter of time before he’s ordering Julia Roberts movies on Netflix and waxing his legs.”

Indeed, only time will tell, it seems, if Cheney’s impassioned prose will woo the young starlet from her longtime beau Jay-Z.

“I hope she gives me a shot,” Cheney remarked while sipping a John Deere mug of steaming green tea. “I ended the letter with a simple ‘do you like me circle YES or NO,’ so hopefully she’ll fax that to my lair by week’s end. I can take the rejection, though…nothing a few Scud missiles can’t help me overcome.”

Labels: Beyonce, Dick Cheney, Scud