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Ultra-Famous Celebrity Does Something Somewhere

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Paparazzi swarm around the Something

(Somewhere, U.S.A.)—According to preliminary Associated Press reports obtained exclusively by the National Nitwit, an ultra-famous celebrity did something somewhere early this morning that was worthy of our collective fawning.

Jacob Wooster, a freelance photographer, had this to say about the occurrence.

“This was on the same level as Britney flashing the world her ragged cooch, and that’s saying something, because that thing looked worse than a spent wad of Double-Bubble,” Wooster remarked while editing dozens of candid snapshots on his laptop. “If I play my cards right, I could live off these pics through July 4th, baby.”

Everyday bystanders concurred that this incident was a remarkable one worthy of the national spotlight.

“I know we have a war going on, and half the country is about to be inundated with a foot of snow, but dammit, this celebrity did something,” remarked Judy Pennington, 23, local retail assistant for a Gap clothing outlet. “Like, to paraphrase Jesus, we’ll always have ‘the poor among us’—the car bombings, the new laws and stuff—but this celebrity, man, every second with them is a gift.”

Mary Hart of Entertainment Tonight, commenting on the ulta-famous celebrity who did something today Mary Hart, veteran reporter and longtime host of Entertainment Tonight, offered her insights on the American psyche and our fetishization of wealth and popularity.

“Well Billy, America is pretty much like an 8th grade class election—substance means nothing,” Hart intoned while having her hair done for tonight’s taping. “So when celebrities like this one do something, we need to stop and take notice. For me, it is a journalistic obligation. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have my exposé on the last menstruation cycle of Anna Nicole Smith in like five minutes.”

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