National Nitwit

(Nassau, Bahamas) A Florida appeals court suspended a lower court ruling that would have allowed the burial of former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith in the Bahamas.

Instead, Anna Nicole Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, will be allowed to let her decomposing body continue its inevitable path toward an unbearable stench, said Broward County chief medical examiner Dr. Joshua Perper.

"Decomposing tissues release these nasty green substances and methane gas, which make the skin go all bluish and blistered, starting with the abdomen," he said, grabbing a handful of Doritos as he showed National Nitwit reporters the body of Anna Nicole Smith. "The front of her body is already swollen, the tongue is protruding, and there's a ton of fluid from her lungs that's oozing out of her mouth and nostrils. Not much chance she's going to make the cover of Playboy again, eh?"

Perper said that the location of the body in the Bahamas is adding to its rapid decay.

"This stage is reached in temperate zones after about four days, but it's much faster in the tropics," he said, poking at a section of the stomach that seemed about to burst. "The unpleasant condition of the body is made worse by the presence of gases like hydrogen sulphide, which gives off that rotten egg smell. There, smell that? Ugh!"

Anna Nicole Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, is reportedly "disgusted" with putrescence of daughter's cadaver

Family and friends of the late celebrity lambasted the Nassau coroner's office for the condition of Anna Nicole's body.

"For Chrissakes, couldn't they at least spray a little Lysol around her?" asked a tearful Virgie Arthur. "This goddamn place smells worse than a bucket of catfish sitting in the sun all day at a Willie Nelson concert."

Labels: Anna Nicole, Anna Nicole Smith, corpse

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Paparazzi swarm around the Something

(Somewhere, U.S.A.)—According to preliminary Associated Press reports obtained exclusively by the National Nitwit, an ultra-famous celebrity did something somewhere early this morning that was worthy of our collective fawning.

Jacob Wooster, a freelance photographer, had this to say about the occurrence.

“This was on the same level as Britney flashing the world her ragged cooch, and that’s saying something, because that thing looked worse than a spent wad of Double-Bubble,” Wooster remarked while editing dozens of candid snapshots on his laptop. “If I play my cards right, I could live off these pics through July 4th, baby.”

Everyday bystanders concurred that this incident was a remarkable one worthy of the national spotlight.

“I know we have a war going on, and half the country is about to be inundated with a foot of snow, but dammit, this celebrity did something,” remarked Judy Pennington, 23, local retail assistant for a Gap clothing outlet. “Like, to paraphrase Jesus, we’ll always have ‘the poor among us’—the car bombings, the new laws and stuff—but this celebrity, man, every second with them is a gift.”

Mary Hart, veteran reporter and longtime host of Entertainment Tonight, offered her insights on the American psyche and our fetishization of wealth and popularity.

“Well Billy, America is pretty much like an 8th grade class election—substance means nothing,” Hart intoned while having her hair done for tonight’s taping. “So when celebrities like this one do something, we need to stop and take notice. For me, it is a journalistic obligation. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have my exposé on the last menstruation cycle of Anna Nicole Smith in like five minutes.”

Labels: Anna Nicole, Anna Nicole Smith, celebrities, paparazzi

(London) Pop singer Sir Elton John, who has released version of the song "Candle in the Wind" for Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana, is in his East London studio developing a new version of the song for pop icon Anna Nicole Smith who died yesterday of unknown causes.

John said that he was moved by the life of the late Anna Nicole.

"In so many ways she paralleled the life of Marilyn, and I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't offer her a eulogical song," he said, wiping away tears. "Plus, I sold like 33 million copies of 'Candle 1997' for Lady Di, so I'd be a fucking wanker to pass this opportunity up."

John played a demo tape for reporters at a press conference this morning. The song kept most of the musical attributes of its predecessor, but used some new lyrics to highlight the life of Anna Nicole Smith:

They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
Because of the weight you'd gained.

"Yes, that was a bit crass, but I wanted to capture all of Anna Nicole," he admitted. "I'm really struggling to find something that rhymes with 'TrimSpa,' though. Any ideas?"

John said that he hopes for a CD single release within the "next 48 hours or so."

"Listen, man - you have to strike while the curling iron is hot," he chuckled. "I mean, it's a shame and all about Anna Nicole, but this thing's only going to sell until the next celebrity dies. I got bills, you know?"

Labels: Anna Nicole, Anna Nicole Smith, Candle in the Wind, Elton John