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Billy Pilgrim Suffers Relapse after Jake Plummer Retirement

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report

R.I.P. Billy Pilgrim’s Sobriety: 2005-2007

(Washington, D.C.)—Two-time Pulitzer nominee and esteemed journalist Billy Pilgrim suffered a savage relapse earlier this week after hearing that his “man-crush and NFL doppelganger” Jake Plummer had retired from professional football.

Plummer — who retired rather than endure a convoluted trade from the Denver Broncos to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers — became an emotional crutch for the self-proclaimed “booze hound and pornoholic” Pilgrim in recent years, and the reporter’s relapse has left his close friends in shambles.

“Hell, if I knew Billy was off the wagon, I would’ve asked him to grab me a forty,” remarked compatriot Subcomandante Bob. “Is he still at the liquor store? What’s his cell phone number?”

Plummer at the height of his retro glory

Others in the National Nitwit community were more emotionally distraught when confronted with this tragic development.

“I thought Billy was really getting his life back on track,” sobbed a near-hysterical Inez Locarro while cradling a half-empty box of tissues. “He was working out, doing well with his freelance writing — he hadn’t mentioned alcohol or pornography in months. God damn you, Jake Plummer! You’re only 32 years old! Lord knows the Raiders need a quarterback!”

The National Nitwit will continue its coverage of this story as events develop.

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