National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Special Report

Billy Pilgrim: Writer, Statesman, Advocate for Feral Cats

(Washington, D.C.)—Billy Pilgrim, the prolific reporter and veteran journalist for several leading publications including the National Nitwit, celebrated his thousandth Blogger profile viewing earlier this week.

And after a relapse from his hard-fought sobriety in 2006, Pilgrim was more than eager to share his pearls of wisdom with youngsters at King Elementary School in downtown Washington, D.C.

“First, I’d like to thank Ms. Chang, your second grade teacher for inviting me here today,” Pilgrim remarked while a throng of eight year-olds relished their snack time of pudding and carrot sticks. “Me and her go way back. I would tell you about this bitchin’ Jethro Tull concert we caught in Detroit—’84, I think it was—but I’m not sure what the statute of limitations are on ‘egregious orifice defilement,’ so maybe I’ll just skip that part of my speech.”

After some preliminary remarks, Pilgrim took a few scribbled note cards from his jacket pocket and got down to the matter at hand.

“While I have written for dozen of magazines, newspapers, and adult films over the years, I have always had a special place in my heart for the National Nitwit,” Pilgrim explained, “and this landmark occasion of one thousand Blogger profile views surely validates the sustained resilience of our journalistic mission. After all, a profile view is one of the most esteemed forms of internet flattery. Over a thousand people now, having read something I wrote, said to themselves: ‘what does this brilliant gentleman look like? What are his interests and hobbies? Perhaps he collects antique lockets. By Jove, I need to consult his Blogger profile.’ And so they have.”

Students at King Elementary, Ecstatic to Learn Pilgrim Was Once a Roadie for Jay-Z

Pilgrim ended with a sentimental flourish to truly express how much this experience meant to his career.

“A few weeks ago, when I hit nine hundred profile views, I knew this day would come,” Pilgrim slowly intoned after taking a few sips of water. “Years from now, long after they bury these tired bones, some critics may look back and say ‘that Pilgrim was a wastrel, a hedonist, a beer-swilling Jap banger whose life was little more than a sad, prolonged acid flashback.’ And maybe those folks will be right. But today, my friends, I celebrate a thousand Blogger profile views, and no one, no one can take that away.”

Labels: Billy Pilgrim, King Elementary, National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report

R.I.P. Billy Pilgrim’s Sobriety: 2005-2007

(Washington, D.C.)—Two-time Pulitzer nominee and esteemed journalist Billy Pilgrim suffered a savage relapse earlier this week after hearing that his “man-crush and NFL doppelganger” Jake Plummer had retired from professional football.

Plummer — who retired rather than endure a convoluted trade from the Denver Broncos to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers — became an emotional crutch for the self-proclaimed “booze hound and pornoholic” Pilgrim in recent years, and the reporter’s relapse has left his close friends in shambles.

“Hell, if I knew Billy was off the wagon, I would’ve asked him to grab me a forty,” remarked compatriot Subcomandante Bob. “Is he still at the liquor store? What’s his cell phone number?”

Plummer at the height of his retro glory

Others in the National Nitwit community were more emotionally distraught when confronted with this tragic development.

“I thought Billy was really getting his life back on track,” sobbed a near-hysterical Inez Locarro while cradling a half-empty box of tissues. “He was working out, doing well with his freelance writing — he hadn’t mentioned alcohol or pornography in months. God damn you, Jake Plummer! You’re only 32 years old! Lord knows the Raiders need a quarterback!”

The National Nitwit will continue its coverage of this story as events develop.

Labels: Billy Pilgrim, Jake Plummer, National Nitwit