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3/11/2007

Constipated Bush Calling for Last-Ditch Poop Surge

(Washington, DC) President Bush, fighting both congressional opponents and a languid set of bowels, called Sunday for an increase in stool-softening agents to break the intestinal blockage.

"In the past, our forces would help clear out the intestines during the day, and then go back to their bases at night," he said, shifting his weight between his feet. "This time, we will hold the intestinal sectors we have cleared by establishing over 40 joint security stations throughout my colon. Also, I plan on consuming more vegetables and fruit, whole meal bread and adding linseeds to my diet."

The President added that it is important that his bowels continue to follow the proposed "Way Forward."

"Violent terrorist blockages could spread across my entire gastrointestinal system – and in time, my whole body," he said, grabbing the edge of the lectern. "The enemy could emerge from the chaos emboldened – with new safe havens, new recruits, new resources, and an even greater determination to keep me from enjoying free-flowing stools and that wondrous sense of intestinal void."

Left: Suspected location of insurgent forces that are inhibiting the President's elimination efforts

Taking issue with critics, the President said that the new approach has a better chance of succeeding than previous strategies.

"This poop surge plan specifically adjusts for what has not worked in my belly – and builds on what has," he said, drinking a proffered glass of Metamucil. "The new strategy is designed to strike the right balance between focused bowel capacity assistance and accelerated fecal transition. And if you'll excuse me - I'm hearing a hopeful little gut gurgle."

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Comments:
Is Bush officially full of shit now? Had to ask.
 
"I'm hearing a hopeful little gut gurgle."

And thar she blows, LOOKOUT!!!
 
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