National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) Former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, for years an inscrutable seer on the economy, is causing a stir by alleging in his new memoir that "the Iraq war is largely about Iraqi hoes."

"Straight up - Bush and Cheney be all about da bitches, fo-shizzle," Greensapn noted. " Cuz when da bitch cuts off yo dick, da face jus be gettin all rusty and shit. And dat shit don't matta whens y'all gots anutha place ta go fo' a good blow. Like Iraq."

Greenspan, who as chairman of the Fed was famous for his tight-lipped reserve, was quite blunt toward the Bush administration in his book The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World.

"A-i-i-e-e-t. I ain't no fuckin' Bush pimp. I knows he wanta be a boomin bitch, but still nobody be diggin' yo nasty funk," he said. "Maybe he jus a crusty ho. Maybe he got da bootie drought 'cause no sista be wantin ta grind his flat-ass, gristley-legged, nasty piece o' Robyn Hoke - got no poke, skank President ass. Only a stupid bitch like Bush be askin' what da hold up is. Jus look in da mirra, y'all."

Greenspan issued a challenge to administration officials who "think they all bad and shit."

"Dont fuck wit dis nigga, I bust yo ass up," he intoned. "Pimp G say we all got the Lexus with tha grill, we commin to kill so when G come to town we got tha trill. Out."

Labels: Alan Greenspan, Bush, Fed, Iraq

Left: All it takes is one more state, folks

(Washington, D.C.) One of the first moves in the post-Rove White House today was the surprising announcement of a new exit strategy by the President.

"By formally annexing Iraq as the fifty-first state, we will be able to come to terms with the nation's desire to see the troops return home," President Bush enthused. "So I am here today to formally welcome the state of Iraq into the Union, and to welcome home the hardworking American soldiers."

Bush said the annexation proposal has hidden benefits in postwar Iraq.

"Each of the main regions - Sunni, Shi'a, and Kurd - will be broken up into counties, and Iraq will be kind of like California: crazy, but loveable," he said. "And then we can get down to the business of running this new state like Americans, although we are still working on getting rid of those nutty Arabic letters on everything. I mean, for Chrissakes - how the hell do you know what to order when you pull up to the drive-thru in a Baghdad Wendy's?"

The President added that the creation of the new fifty-first state - which he proposed calling 'Oilessee' - would necessitate some "stratergic military considerations."

"Obviously, Oilessee would need some new Army and Air Force bases, and we might have to set up some pay incentives to attract more military personnel to relocate there," he noted. "But the important thing is, we would finally be able to welcome home our sons and daughters, though they might not like their new digs at first. That, and we could tax the shit out of IEDs and car bombs, as we all know the best way to kill a behavior is to tax it, right?"

Labels: Bush, exit strategy, Iraq, Rove

(Washington, DC) President Bush, in a briefing before White House reporters, admitted that his attempts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq in the virtual world of Second Life have been as frustrating as those in the real world.

"We're spending $400 trillion Linden Dollars a month, and we have twice the number of U.S. soldiers killed," he acknowledged, gesturing toward a PowerPoint presentation. "But we have seen progress with the deployment of 50,000 Residents in Second Life Iraq, and we believe that - come spring 2008 - we will defeat the virtual insurgents and see the birth of a stable virtual Iraq."

Bush said that he hopes the beta version of Second Life will be "more stratergically-focused" for U.S. troops than the current version of the online game.

"Listen - we have to be within 96 meters to kill an insurgent's avatar, which is total bullshit," he noted. "In real life an M-16 assault rifle has an effective range of 550 meters, and more like 700 meters if you are on a high building shooting downwind."

Finally, said the President, his administration has "bold new plans" should the virtual troop surge fail in Second Life Iraq.

"Pretty basically, we're going to storm Linden Labs and take out their command and control infrastructure," he said. "Then we'll get some of our guys in there and program this Second Life thing the right way. Oh - and no more of that PayPal or credit card nonsense, either. I blew about $10 grand on this stupid game last year."

Labels: Bush, George W. Bush, Iraq, Second Life

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

SuperFriends at a recent car wash fundraiser

(Washington, D.C.)—It is no secret that the Bush Administration has struggled in recent months to hone and redirect its foreign policy on Iraq. American causalities are on the rise, car bombings obliterate joint efforts to police urban areas, and support for the war here at home has reached an all-time low.

Such was the tenor this morning when President Bush made a bold declaration at an unprecedented news conference on the White House lawn: he has appealed to SuperFriends—the loose confederation of superheroes whose popularity reached its pinnacle in the late 1970s—to help bring this disastrous conflict to an end.

“The American people are losing conviction in this battle for democracy, and as your commander in chief, I want to make it clear: I have heard you pleas for change,” Mr. Bush intoned to rows of packed reporters. “That is why I’ve called on the SuperFriends to come fix this fiasco. I’m not sure if Aqua Man will help much, this being a desert war n’ all, but the rest of ‘em should knock this shit out in a week.”

Mr. Bush went on to explain why he felt the SuperFriends were the most desirable group of has-been celebrity heroes.

“SuperFriends were a clear choice because they represent the melting pot diversity of this great nation,” the president remarked. “Let me give you a few examples. Wonder Woman is Hispanic; which is cool, because so are my lawn boys. Robin is queer as a three dollar bill—doesn’t bother me at all. Cheney’s daughter is a dyke, and makes for a great partner in a game of horseshoes. And Superman might be schizophrenic, but hey, they make medication for that now.”

Batman and Superman: fixin' to whoop some insurgent asses

Indeed, the president’s closing statement offered a rare balance of eloquence and pathos that signaled new hope for this aging conflict in the Middle East.

“SuperFriends is the best chance we have against this mounting terrorist threat, period,” the president boomed, both hands trembling on the sides of his podium. “They’re not perfect; they have flaws just like the rest of us; but as a team, they can conquer this tide of evil, this tsunami of hatred that rages against the shores of liberty. And besides, it sure beats my other plan of sending a bunch of poor black kids. Like I keep telling [Karl] Rove, If it didn’t work in ‘Nam, it won’t work now.”

Labels: Bush, Iraq, SuperFriends

(Washington, DC) President Bush, fighting both congressional opponents and a languid set of bowels, called Sunday for an increase in stool-softening agents to break the intestinal blockage.

"In the past, our forces would help clear out the intestines during the day, and then go back to their bases at night," he said, shifting his weight between his feet. "This time, we will hold the intestinal sectors we have cleared by establishing over 40 joint security stations throughout my colon. Also, I plan on consuming more vegetables and fruit, whole meal bread and adding linseeds to my diet."

The President added that it is important that his bowels continue to follow the proposed "Way Forward."

"Violent terrorist blockages could spread across my entire gastrointestinal system – and in time, my whole body," he said, grabbing the edge of the lectern. "The enemy could emerge from the chaos emboldened – with new safe havens, new recruits, new resources, and an even greater determination to keep me from enjoying free-flowing stools and that wondrous sense of intestinal void."

Left: Suspected location of insurgent forces that are inhibiting the President's elimination efforts

Taking issue with critics, the President said that the new approach has a better chance of succeeding than previous strategies.

"This poop surge plan specifically adjusts for what has not worked in my belly – and builds on what has," he said, drinking a proffered glass of Metamucil. "The new strategy is designed to strike the right balance between focused bowel capacity assistance and accelerated fecal transition. And if you'll excuse me - I'm hearing a hopeful little gut gurgle."

Labels: Bush, Metamucil, poop surge, troop surge

(Enterprise, AL) Following a series of deadly terrorist tornado attacks this week, President Bush promised to "bring to justice" the meteorological forces responsible for the damage.

"My fellow Americans, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist tornadoes," he said in prepared remarks. "The victims were in schools, or in their offices; secretaries, businessmen and women; moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Many lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of whilring, windy terror."

In all the terrorist storms killed 20 people - 10 in Alabama, nine in Georgia, and a 7-year-old girl in Missouri. The PResident said he "will not rest" until those responsible are brought to justice.

"The search is underway for those who are behind these evil acts. I've directed the full resources of our intelligence, law enforcement, and Weather Service communities to find those responsible and to bring them to justice," he said. "We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them, and those who hide behind a veil of menacing-looking dark clouds will find that masses of condensed droplets or frozen crystals suspended in the atmosphere are no match for the United States of America."

Bush says the tornado attacks bear the fingerprints of al Qaeda

The President reiterated that America "stands strong" in its fight against "global cylonic jihad."

"This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice, peace, and a wind-free existence," he said, standing in front of a demolished building. "America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend freedom, trailer parks, and all that is good and just in our world."

Labels: Bush, Enterprise, terror, tornadoes

(Washington, DC) President Bush, facing fierce opposition to his decision to send more U.S. troops to Iraq, confided to reporters that the stress is affecting his dream state.

Specifically, the President has recurrent dreams of sipping cappucino with Sentaor Elizabeth Dole, while they both are dressed in long underwear.

"It sounds crazy, I know, but I've been having this dream every night for the last two years," he admitted. "I have no idea what it means, but I gotta admit Libby looks pretty hot in those skivvies."

Republicans see the dream as a metaphor of Bush putting a wide-angle lens on the nation’s problems, taking the focus away from Iraq. Democrats view the dream as a sign that there is tremendous pressure put on this administration to change direction.

Bush, though, said he's "pretty sure" the dream has nothing to do with politics.

"It's kind of sexual, except we never really get to the sex part," he acknowledged. "But we never talk policy or anything like that. In fact, we never really talk, either. She just looks one way with those still-perky tits of hers, and I stand there trying to think of something witty to say, unable to make anything happen. Then I wake up."

Nothing like real life

The President said that he is "disappointed" that he has been unable to understand the dream, or to dream of something else.

"I am frustrated with the progress," he said. "A year ago, I felt pretty good about the situation. I felt like I was achieving my objective, which was to have a dream that could govern, sustain, defend, and end itself. No question, 2006 was a lousy year for my dreams."

Labels: Bush, Iraq, Libby Dole