.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

3/23/2007

Guantanamo Detainees Relish Opening of New Subway Restaurant

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba)—After four years of dehumanizing conditions and seeming indifference from the international community, the Arab detainees at Guantanamo Bay finally have something to celebrate: their very own Subway® franchise.

This is the first time in recorded history that a U.S. restaurant chain has opened a branch in a hostile militarized zone (apart from the Vatican McDonald's), but company executives are optimistic that their gamble will pay huge dividends in 2007.

And while many critics have blasted this decision as “a crass, opportunist power-play,” the prisoners are clearly energized by the diverse, low-fat menu they now enjoy.

“Jared is an inspiration, pure and simple,” remarked a plump Abu Al Meroli, an Afghan prisoner who was captured in late 2003 smuggling explosives across the Pakistani border. “I’ve eaten nothing but carbs, carbs, carbs for the past 24 months, so it will do wonders for my self-esteem to have a lo-cal turkey wrap to start my day, every day. Allah be praised."

Left: Detainees showing joy at hearing of new Subway

The new menu has also eased tensions for prison guards, who often endure 12-hour shifts for weeks without the comforts of home and family.

“I tell ya, these subs have worked wonders around this joint,” stated Sgt. Bob Harker, a reservist from Oklahoma. “For years we've had to beat these terrorist fucks with belts and smear them with horse shit just to keep them passive. But now when they smell oregano-and-herb Italian bread baking in the mess tent, they’re calmer than a litter of retarded kittens. All I can say is, may God bless the Earl of Sandwich.”

Labels: , ,


Comments:
I hope to God our tax dollars aren't building these terrorists a fucking sub joint. They ought to be eating stale dog food.
 
Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?