National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba)—After four years of dehumanizing conditions and seeming indifference from the international community, the Arab detainees at Guantanamo Bay finally have something to celebrate: their very own Subway® franchise.

This is the first time in recorded history that a U.S. restaurant chain has opened a branch in a hostile militarized zone (apart from the Vatican McDonald's), but company executives are optimistic that their gamble will pay huge dividends in 2007.

And while many critics have blasted this decision as “a crass, opportunist power-play,” the prisoners are clearly energized by the diverse, low-fat menu they now enjoy.

“Jared is an inspiration, pure and simple,” remarked a plump Abu Al Meroli, an Afghan prisoner who was captured in late 2003 smuggling explosives across the Pakistani border. “I’ve eaten nothing but carbs, carbs, carbs for the past 24 months, so it will do wonders for my self-esteem to have a lo-cal turkey wrap to start my day, every day. Allah be praised."

Left: Detainees showing joy at hearing of new Subway

The new menu has also eased tensions for prison guards, who often endure 12-hour shifts for weeks without the comforts of home and family.

“I tell ya, these subs have worked wonders around this joint,” stated Sgt. Bob Harker, a reservist from Oklahoma. “For years we've had to beat these terrorist fucks with belts and smear them with horse shit just to keep them passive. But now when they smell oregano-and-herb Italian bread baking in the mess tent, they’re calmer than a litter of retarded kittens. All I can say is, may God bless the Earl of Sandwich.”

Labels: detainees, Guantanamo Bay, Subway