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Report: Cheney Stops Afghan Blast by Sheer Force of Manly Will

(Bagram, Afghanistan) News that Vice-President Dick Cheney was not injured during a suicide bomber attack at the Bagram air base did not surprise witnesses to the event.

By all accounts, the gritty Cheney simply snuffed the attack by exerting his legendary masculine will.

"When the Vice-President saw the attacker running toward the main gates of Bagram, he puffed out his chest, stuck out his jaw, and did that Popeye-like scunched face thing he does," said Air Force Lieutenant Cal Hubert. "All of a sudden the bomber stopped, and he like melted to the ground. You could almost see the supreme manly anger-waves shoot straight from Cheney's eyes. Too cool."

Others witnessing the foiled attack said that Cheney limited what might have been a more deadly scene from occurring.

"There was like this plasma wave that oozed out of the Vice-President, surrounding the blast waves and refocusing them inward on the bomber," said another eyewitness. "Yeah, a few people still got killed, but if weren't for Cheney's supernatural will power, I'll bet half the base would have been snuffed. P-f-f-f-ft!"

Left: Artist's recreation of the plasma generation by Vice-President Dick Cheney

Other witnesses described certain environmental phenomena associated with the unusual Cheney event.

"Right when he focused on the bomber, all the lights in the barracks dimmed," said Corporal Oliver Detwiler. "And I felt this... this sucking of energy from within me. When it was all done, my nuts hurt and my breasts were kind of swollen, but that's a small price to pay for freedom. Thanks, Mr. Vice-President!"

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"my nuts hurt and my breasts were kind of swollen,"

Yeah Cheney has that effect on some guys.

And, now that he's ~ 97% bionic, Whoooeee!
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