National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

SuperFriends at a recent car wash fundraiser

(Washington, D.C.)—It is no secret that the Bush Administration has struggled in recent months to hone and redirect its foreign policy on Iraq. American causalities are on the rise, car bombings obliterate joint efforts to police urban areas, and support for the war here at home has reached an all-time low.

Such was the tenor this morning when President Bush made a bold declaration at an unprecedented news conference on the White House lawn: he has appealed to SuperFriends—the loose confederation of superheroes whose popularity reached its pinnacle in the late 1970s—to help bring this disastrous conflict to an end.

“The American people are losing conviction in this battle for democracy, and as your commander in chief, I want to make it clear: I have heard you pleas for change,” Mr. Bush intoned to rows of packed reporters. “That is why I’ve called on the SuperFriends to come fix this fiasco. I’m not sure if Aqua Man will help much, this being a desert war n’ all, but the rest of ‘em should knock this shit out in a week.”

Mr. Bush went on to explain why he felt the SuperFriends were the most desirable group of has-been celebrity heroes.

“SuperFriends were a clear choice because they represent the melting pot diversity of this great nation,” the president remarked. “Let me give you a few examples. Wonder Woman is Hispanic; which is cool, because so are my lawn boys. Robin is queer as a three dollar bill—doesn’t bother me at all. Cheney’s daughter is a dyke, and makes for a great partner in a game of horseshoes. And Superman might be schizophrenic, but hey, they make medication for that now.”

Batman and Superman: fixin' to whoop some insurgent asses

Indeed, the president’s closing statement offered a rare balance of eloquence and pathos that signaled new hope for this aging conflict in the Middle East.

“SuperFriends is the best chance we have against this mounting terrorist threat, period,” the president boomed, both hands trembling on the sides of his podium. “They’re not perfect; they have flaws just like the rest of us; but as a team, they can conquer this tide of evil, this tsunami of hatred that rages against the shores of liberty. And besides, it sure beats my other plan of sending a bunch of poor black kids. Like I keep telling [Karl] Rove, If it didn’t work in ‘Nam, it won’t work now.”

Labels: Bush, Iraq, SuperFriends