.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Huckster Billy Mays to Star in New Manpon Infomercial

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Even after a violent shart, Mays is as confident as ever

(Los Angeles, CA)—Billy Mays, the bearded and booming pitchman of such ‘as seen on TV’ products as OrangeGlo, OxiClean, and Bowl Blaster, announced earlier this morning that his next project would be a feature role in an infomercial about manpons.

And while manpons—personal hygiene products geared toward men with irregular or spastic bowels—are still considered taboo among many Americans, Mays hopes that his vigorous endorsement will help an increasingly large population of men regain confidence in their sphincters.

“Have you ever gotten stupid drunk and eaten 47 hot wings on a weeknight?” Mays shouted to the nonexistent camera that stood before him. “Sure, you can handle the headache and body sweat the next day at work, but unexpected bowel leakage can strike anytime. That’s why the manpon is such a revolutionary product—it fits your lifestyle, and keeps your manly parts from being defiled.”

Mays demonstrated the manpon’s revolutionary absorbency in an innocuous product trial.

“Here, I have the average, run-of-the-mill fecal matter from a Dallas Cowboys linebacker,” Mays explained. “As you can see, this store-brand toilet tissue is no match for the turd—it shatters through the paper’s weak and nonabsorbent texture. But the manpon contours and adjusts to its weight, and even has a time release fragrance to help shield the noxious odor.”

Industry insiders remain optimistic that Mays’ heartfelt promotion will help the manpon reach an untapped audience of American men with poor dietary habits, and often endure their rectal ferocity in shameful isolation.

“The product is ground-breaking, there’s no doubt about that,” remarked Steve Kingston, an editor at Business Weekly who has tracked the research and development of manpons in recent months. “With Mays at the helm of this new advertising campaign, the profits could be immeasurable. I mean, the guy just yells and flails until people buy stuff. Where would capitalism be without quality salespeople like him?”

Labels: , , ,

I love Billy Mays. I want to carry his bearded love-child.
I want some hot man-sex wih Billy Mays. Now.
Billy Mays is a legend only in his own mind.

Huckster? Hustler is more like it.
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?