National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Even after a violent shart, Mays is as confident as ever

(Los Angeles, CA)—Billy Mays, the bearded and booming pitchman of such ‘as seen on TV’ products as OrangeGlo, OxiClean, and Bowl Blaster, announced earlier this morning that his next project would be a feature role in an infomercial about manpons.

And while manpons—personal hygiene products geared toward men with irregular or spastic bowels—are still considered taboo among many Americans, Mays hopes that his vigorous endorsement will help an increasingly large population of men regain confidence in their sphincters.

“Have you ever gotten stupid drunk and eaten 47 hot wings on a weeknight?” Mays shouted to the nonexistent camera that stood before him. “Sure, you can handle the headache and body sweat the next day at work, but unexpected bowel leakage can strike anytime. That’s why the manpon is such a revolutionary product—it fits your lifestyle, and keeps your manly parts from being defiled.”

Mays demonstrated the manpon’s revolutionary absorbency in an innocuous product trial.

“Here, I have the average, run-of-the-mill fecal matter from a Dallas Cowboys linebacker,” Mays explained. “As you can see, this store-brand toilet tissue is no match for the turd—it shatters through the paper’s weak and nonabsorbent texture. But the manpon contours and adjusts to its weight, and even has a time release fragrance to help shield the noxious odor.”

Industry insiders remain optimistic that Mays’ heartfelt promotion will help the manpon reach an untapped audience of American men with poor dietary habits, and often endure their rectal ferocity in shameful isolation.

“The product is ground-breaking, there’s no doubt about that,” remarked Steve Kingston, an editor at Business Weekly who has tracked the research and development of manpons in recent months. “With Mays at the helm of this new advertising campaign, the profits could be immeasurable. I mean, the guy just yells and flails until people buy stuff. Where would capitalism be without quality salespeople like him?”

Labels: Billy Mays, manpon, manpons, shart