National Nitwit

Left: Hundreds of sweaty inmates just want to get some Sanjaya

(New Castle, IN) Inmates staged a two-hour riot at a medium-security men's prison Tuesday, injuring two staff members and setting fires in a courtyard in protest of the elimination of American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar.

Indiana Department of Correction spokeswoman Jared Andrews said more than one cell block was involved in the conflict at the New Castle Correctional Facility, which is located about 40 miles east of Indianapolis.

"Pretty much they fell in love with Sanjaya," said Andrews, noting that "hundreds" of prison cells contained posters of the wild-haired singer. "I'd say that one-third of the inmates here whack off to Sanjaya's picture every night. Sometimes it's kind of sad, hearing all those lonely men with that rhythmic SLAP-SLAP-SLAP, just a-whacking away, sounding like 200 pieces of sirloin smacking on a linoleum counter."

Ahmed said at least some of the inmates complained about being moved away from the TV room, a step that was necessary because of the state's shortage of prison space.

"They're obviously resentful because they had to miss American Idol last week," he said. "When you're in here, your mind does strange things. Just last week we had a guy who got his dick stuck in a jar of peanut butter. Said he was trying out a cure for gonorrhea or something."

Left: Empty cells, broken hearts

State police Sgt. Fred Rizzuto said that - contrary to earlier reports - the disturbance did not involve a problem between inmates from two different two states.

"It was not a conflict between Arizona and Indiana prisoners," he said. "The intelligence I was given this afternoon is that it didn't have any direct correlation to that issue. This was all about horny men who just wanted another look at that Sanjaya's tight ass. And, to tell you the truth - if I were liquored up, I might tap that bunghole myself. With enough K-Y and a darkened room, you'd think you were going at it with skinny woman, maybe a meth freak or something."

Labels: New Castle, prison riot, Sanjaya, Sanjaya Malakar