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5/03/2007

God Declares Claudia Schiffer His Greatest Creation

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Claudia Schiffer: Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

(Heaven)—God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, maker of heaven and earth, announced earlier this morning that supermodel Claudia Schiffer is and forever will be His single greatest creation.

This proclamation took many by surprise, since it was the Lord’s first public statement since He testified against Saddam Hussein in December 2005.

“Look, I know you people have your Lindsay Lohans and Fergies and Jessica Biels now,” God remarked while healing a band of supplicant lepers in Indonesia. “But let Me just say what we all know to be the truth: those bitches have had more work done than a ’79 Impala. Schiffer’s the real deal.”

Our Heavenly Father elaborated by eloquently highlighting Schiffer’s physical splendor.

“She’s 5’ 11,” weighs 128 pounds, and speaks with a German accent,” God chuckled while reveling in His own perfection. “I don’t want to toot My own horn here, but if you find something hotter, I’ll eat My hat. And I don’t even own a hat.”

The Lord concluded by offering some historical perspective on Schiffer’s photogenic majesty.

“When Claudia hit newsstands in the early nineties, there wasn’t all this airbrush bullshit that we have today,” He intoned. “Here’s a little quiz. Guess who’s on the cover of the new Cosmo? Carrie Underwood. Guess how many pictures they had to splice to make her look hot? 17. Have fun whacking to Frankenwhore, morons. Me and Dean Martin have a few back issues of Elle up here that are simply off the hizzle. Now if you’ll excuse Me, I’m late for a dodo safari with [Jimi] Hendrix. Go in peace.”

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Comments:
Claudia too has succumbed to the ravages of time.

Once the wrinkles appear, it’s time to fixate on another, younger hottie.

That is, until she begins to wrinkle/sag. . .

Not being fickle here, just adjusting to the realities of time...
 
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